#at this rate ill never finish reading this lol
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dailyrickastley · 3 months ago
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So I finally got around reading Never and while I'm not very far into it, I already have some thoughts. So I'm going to share them here;
About Preface
The bit "In fact, I would say that the chances were stacked against it ever turning out like that" (him having his life the way it's currently), reminds me of this song:
youtube
I'm too lazy to go check if he has writing credits on this song (probably can be found on discogs), that aside I wonder if this song was personal to him? Like sure it's cheesy (so it could be just another love song) but I think it could very well be interpreted that the song is about his wife.
Introduction
Him telling how he managed to rip off the door of his dads' new van was somehow nice. I'd be shitting myself too in that situation too, but I always saw him as pretty timid and serious when he was young (perhaps even as someone who was forced to grow up?). So it was nice to hear that he still was just a dumbass kid once. Ofcourse in the 80s he had his light hearted moments where he was joking around and all that too but for me he seemed restricted, lacking confidence (that he would eventually gain as he got older).
Reading about his dad's violent tendencies is sad, I used to be resentful when people would say something along the lines "well you should be glad your parents never hit you" but reading this book, I actually felt bit glad I didn't have to go through that.
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hugmekenobi · 2 years ago
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The Bad Batch (10)
Chapter Ten: Common Ground
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Gif by @kamino-coruscant
Hunter x femaleJedi!reader
Series Summary: You joined the Batch 8 months ago and everything was going well. But then, Order 66 happened and suddenly the galaxy around you changed. Now, not only do you need to be careful given your new 'social status', but you also need to navigate your feelings towards a certain Sergeant.
Chapter Summary: Your road to recovery begins and a mission has the Batch seeing their ideology challenged.
<Previous Chapter
Genre: Friends (idiots) to Lovers
Chapter Warnings: Canon-typical violence, swearing, mild hurt/comfort, infected wound descriptions, mild illness, Star Wars cleaning supplies being what I require, (most likely inaccurate) Star Wars first aid and it being what I need, the clothes hyper fixation continues (I wish I knew why my brain thought this so crucial)
Word Count: 6.7K
Rating: 18+
Author's notes: Pretty much follow the plot of the show here, not a whole lot extra going on but I'm excited for you guys to read this one cause then we have my favourite chapter next lol. Any new readers, please see Ch8 for explanation of certain warnings that aren't included in every chapter warning because they appear a lot. Enjoy!
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“You ready to go?”
You glanced up to see Hunter, armour all back on, looking down as you finished tying the laces to your boots. “Yup.” You grabbed the bag with your ruined clothes and got ready to get up.
“You sure you don’t want my help?”
“Yes, thanks though.” You stood up but put a bit too much weight on your injured leg, much to its protest, and you felt it start to collapse beneath you.
“Easy.” Hunter said as he caught you by the shoulders.
“Okay, so I may need a little bit of assistance.” You admitted begrudgingly as you straightened up, only applying weight on the toes of your left foot.
“Come on.” Hunter tucked his arm around you, making sure to avoid your side injury and acted as a support for you.
Leaning against him (and finding it quite a nice arrangement), the two of you walked down the steps of the ship to join the others as they waited for you. As you all started to walk, you chucked your clothes into the first dumpster you could find before continuing to walk back to Cid’s parlour. You weren’t sure how your debt with Cid was going to be settled but you were sure she would think of something.
--
“How’s the Mantell Mix, kid?” Wrecker asked Omega who was perched on his shoulder.
“Better than ever.” Omega said, dropping a few pieces into his mouth.
“Yeah, it is!” Wrecker said with a laugh as he swallowed it.
“So, when’s our next mission?” Omega asked, with a mouth full of mix.
“With two bounty hunters after you, it’d be wise to keep a low profile.” Tech said, glancing up at her.
“Tech’s right.” Hunter stopped walking just before they reached the entrance to Cid’s and turned you both around, making sure to do it gently, and directed Omega to come down off of Wrecker. “There’s too much heat on us right now.”
“Ha! That never stopped us before.” Wrecker said.
“The kid’s been through enough. She needs a break.” Hunter muttered to him.
Wrecker looked over to where Omega, Tech and Echo were. The latter inspecting the Mantell Mix with suspicion. “She seems fine to me.”
“A break wouldn’t hurt her.” You agreed. “It was pretty rough for her, even if it doesn’t look like it was.”
Hunter nodded at you and made the first move to step down into the parlour, making sure he took his time so you wouldn’t have to strain yourself too hard.
“Time to face my favourite person.” You grumbled as you limped down the stairs.
“Be nice.” Hunter chided playfully.
You snorted just as you all entered the parlour, and you walked over to the bar.
“I got a mission for you boys.” Cid revealed. “What happened to you?” She asked as she saw how you were situated. You were missing a layer and the presence of bandages was evident, plus you were being propped up by the sergeant when you came in and now the bar counter was acting as a means to hold you up.
“I made a friend.” You replied sarcastically.
“Hmph. Well, don’t go dripping blood on my floor.”
“Like it would make it any worse.” You mumbled under your breath.
“What did you say?” Cid narrowed her gaze at you.
Before you could reply, you felt Hunter lightly nudge his hip into you, so you held back your comment.
Hunter coughed. “What’s the mission?”
“A simple extraction on Raxus.” Cid responded.
“Raxus?” You repeated, a hint of disgust in your tone.
“That is the former centre of the Separatist government.” Tech said. “It has since become an Imperial outpost-”
“I’m not interested in a history lesson, Goggles.” Cid said dismissively. “You’re being hired to locate and free Senator Avi Sing from his confinement.” She brought up an image of the senator on her datapad. “My client will meet you at the given coordinates to brief you. Details are on this.” She held up the chip. “Now get going.” She threw it in the direction of Tech, but Hunter intercepted it.
You found the simple action more attractive that you should have but you brought yourself back to the moment at hand which was you were being asked to assist a Separatist. The very concept left a bad taste in your mouth.
“Help a Separatist?” Hunter said, uncertainly as he caught it. “Not gonna happen.” He chucked the info chip back at Cid and left your side to step in front of her.
“Your debt’s still not paid, remember? A job’s a job.” Cid said.
Hunter gestured for them both to move away from the group. “I am not bringing Omega or (Y/N) to a planet swarming with Imperials.”
“So, leave them here with me. I’ll keep an eye on them.” Cid offered.
“I don’t exactly trust you either.”
“Good. You shouldn’t. But if keeping the kid and your girlfriend safe means more money in my pocket, it’s in my best interest to do so, isn’t it?” She said, jabbing him with her clawed finger.
“She’s not my girlfriend.” Hunter objected tiredly.
“Right, and I’m not green.” Cid said, rolling her eyes.
Hunter let out an exasperated sigh. He was not getting involved in this with Cid of all people. “If anything happens to them-”
“Yeah, yeah, Bandana.” Cid said, flippantly as she handed him back the chip. “Just get outta here, would ya?” She walked away from him.
Hunter headed over to let Omega know the plan first. She was already geared up, so he didn’t think this was going to go down too well.
“Ready when you are, Sergeant.” Omega said cheerily.
Hunter kneeled down in front of her. “Not this time, Omega. You’re staying with (Y/N) and Cid.”
“But th-the mission. I’m part of the squad too.” Omega said, a tad irritated.
“Then following orders shouldn’t be a problem.” Hunter said, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Stay close to (Y/N) and Cid and don’t leave this parlour.”
“I heard my name.” You called over.
“I’ll deal with you in a minute.” Hunter replied.
“Gee, am I in trouble?” You called back light-heartedly.
Hunter gave you a small smile before focusing back on Omega. “Got it, soldier?”
Omega groaned. “Yes, sir.”
Hunter nodded at her before getting up to walk over to you. He figured you weren’t going to take this well.
“Am I in trouble?” You asked genuinely as you saw the slightly more serious than normal expression on his face.
“No, no.” Hunter assured you. “You’re just uh staying here with Omega and Cid.”
“You wanna run that by me again?” You said, eyebrows raised.
Hunter sighed. Yeah, he’d expected as much. “You’re going to remain here until we get back.”
“Give me one good reason as to why.” You argued.
“I can give you two.” Hunter countered.
“Enlighten me.”
“One being this place is being controlled by the Empire and is filled with people that would love nothing more than to kill you if they found out what you were.”
“The key word being ‘if’.” You disputed.
“Two, and perhaps the most important one, you almost died. If you say, ‘the key word being almost’ I’ll bench you for more than one mission.” Hunter warned as he saw you go to open your mouth.
You held your hands up in mock surrender and pushed down the fact that the demanding tone his voice took was a lot more attractive to you than you cared to admit. “Carry on, Sergeant.”
“You need time to recover, and to pull this off, we need everyone at their full strength that’s not you right now. You’d hold us back.” It was blunt but he figured it would be the only way you would listen to him right now.
You let out a low whistle. “Harsh.” You said, your tone mildly conveying your frustration. “And if I told you being a Jedi meant I could push through and manage it?”
“I’d tell you that if you could hold yourself up, your full weight on your injured leg, without the support of the bar counter then you could come.”
You glowered at him. “Fine.” You pushed yourself off the countertop and applied full pressure on both your legs. “See?” You breathed out, ignoring the fact that your brain was screaming at you to ease up.
“Great. Now try it without Echo’s hand on your back.” Hunter said, crossing his arms.
In your desperate state, you hadn’t even noticed Echo had lent you a helping hand.
“Sorry.” Echo muttered, stepping out from behind you.
As soon as he left you, you felt your leg start to shake so you sat down before it collapsed from under you.
“Well, I think that concludes that.” Tech said.
The look Hunter gave you just screamed ‘I told you so.’ “Don’t say it.” You grumbled at him.
“Sorry, but you’re staying.” Hunter said, decisively.
“Ugh fine. Get out the lot of you.” You waved them away. “But I’d like the record to reflect that I think it’s ridiculous that you were shot too but apparently you’re good to go.” You said to Hunter.
“At least I can stand on my own.” Hunter joshed back.
You stuck your tongue out at him. “Away with you and good luck you guys. Be careful.” You said sincerely.
They all nodded at you before turning around to leave.
You noticed Omega as she watched them leave and it was clear she wasn’t too happy about being left behind either.
“Hey, Tiny, I got a mission for you.” Cid said to her, wagging a sponge in her direction.
“They’re not even two minutes out the door and you’re already at it with the child labour?” You said to her, shaking your head.
“I got one for you too, if you can even manage.” Cid clapped back, tossing a sponge in your direction before chucking one to Omega. “Now get scrubbing.”
If you weren’t so determined to prove that you were able to do such a simple task, you would’ve fought her on the matter more. You stood up and with Omega, began to scrub down the bar counter.
--
“We’ve never been to Raxus before.” Wrecker said, coming with the others to join Tech in the cockpit as the ship travelled through hyperspace.
“The coordinates from Cid have us landing outside the capital city of Raxulon, the home of their Senate.” Tech informed them.
“I can’t believe we’re helping a Separatist senator.” Echo grumbled.
“So, you have said. Repeatedly.” Tech replied.
“I always thought we’d make it to Raxus someday. But not like this.” Hunter said.
A couple moments of silence passed before Echo broke it. “So…are you and (Y/N) going to talk about what she said?” He broached, carefully.
Hunter pinched the bridge of his nose before he looked over at Echo. “You mean am I going to talk to her about something she said while in a delirious state? Funnily enough, Echo, no I’m not.”
“But she said-”
“I know what you’re talking about Wrecker and in case you forgot, she was talking about all of us. You know, her friends.”
“She did look directly at you.” Tech pointed out.
Hunter huffed out an exasperated sigh. Time to bring out the deflections once again. “We go round and round with this but for the sake of argument, I’ll humour you boys. Say what your saying is true, and it mattered to me, I am not going to take the words she said to heart because she was already half dead and just rambling whatever thoughts came to her head. She can’t even remember what she said, and you all would expect me to run with it and have what would be just a horrendously awkward and, quite frankly, a disappointing conversation? You all are her friends and I’m her friend and that’s it. There’s nothing more there.”
“But Hunter-”
“That’s it, Echo.” Hunter repeated assertively. “We’re coming up on Raxus.” He looked out the ship window as they came out of hyperspace. “Our focus here is the mission, nothing else. Bring us in, Tech. We’ll gear up when we land.”
--
You and Omega were both giving the most half-hearted scrubs that you could possibly do.
“Enough with the moping around. You’re bringing the mood down in here.” Cid said as she walked over to you both.
“Ah yes, business is booming.” You said cynically. The only two people that were currently in were her two regulars. You stopped scrubbing and put your head down on your arms.
“Sorree.” Omega added, leaning a cheek against her palm.
“Alright, I’ll bite. What’s wrong with you? Not you.” She added as she saw you sit you sit up and look at her sceptically.
You gave her a fake smile and went back to leaning your chin on your arms as you studied Omega.
“We haven’t heard back from them yet. Do you think they’re okay?” Omega asked.
“They better be for what this job’s paying.” Cid answered.
“I’m sure they’re just busy. That’s all.” You comforted.
“I should’ve gone with them on the mission.” Omega groused, pushing her sponge away. “It’s not fair.”
“I’ve got news for you, kid. Life ain’t fair.” Cid said, gruffly. “You don’t like it. Stop pouting and do something about it. Maybe it you weren’t so helpless those four laser brains wouldn’t have left you here with me.”
Omega glared at her and stormed off to one of the booths.
You just stared at Cid and shook your head. “Wow. You really got a way with kids.” You stepped down lightly off your seat and limped over to join Omega.
“I’m not helpless.” Omega said.
“I know.” You assured her, grunting as you sat down next to her. “Right?” You looked intently at Cid as she walked over to you both.
“Look, kid, I told dark and broody I’d keep an eye on you and keep you safe. I even cut Wisecrack in on that deal and meant it when I said that I’d look out for you.” Cid said.
You chose to ignore the unflattering nickname and instead gave Cid a small but sincere smile. It was the kindest you’d ever seen or heard her.
“Hmm. For how much?” Omega asked, unimpressed.
You turned to look at her as she angled her body away from you both. Maybe a bit more talking out was necessary here. “Hey, Cid, you got anything that can wash some specks of dried blood out?”
“What do you think I’m running here? A drycleaner?” Cid said indignantly.
You darted your eyes down to Omega.
Cid let out a huffy sigh. “I’ll be right back.”
Until Cid came back, you decided you were going to let Omega stew. You wouldn’t get anywhere with interruptions, so you waited in the silence.
“Here.”
You took the rag from her as well as a container that was filled with a bubbling, warm, blue liquid. “Thank you.” You said.
“Don’t take too long, I still got things that need scrubbing.” Cid said before she walked away.
You rolled your eyes but angled yourself to face Omega, but you were still being greeted with her back. “You going turn around for me, kid?”
“Hmph.” Omega grunted.
“Really? You’re going to have the person who nearly died not twelve hours ago come around in front of you and kneel down in that cramped space by the wall, probably aggravating her injuries?” You said, in an exaggerated manner, rubbing your arms to get rid of the goosebumps that had begun to appear. Would it really kill Cid to get some heating in this place? You thought moodily as a shiver ran down your spine.   
Omega sighed and slowly scooted herself around to face you.
“Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Next step is for you to uncross your arms.”
Omega rolled her eyes but did as you said.
“Wow, you’re almost there. Top tip from someone who developed this skill over the years, any good eye roll should be accompanied by a sigh. Both those elements really gets the point across.”
Omega didn’t say anything.
“Come on, Omega. What’s going on? I’m all for giving Cid a bit of attitude but I’m a bit surprised to see it come from you.” You said gently as you began to dampen her sleeve with the liquid. To your surprise, it was actually working pretty well. You regretted chucking your stuff cause this would probably work on them too but you weren’t going to resort to dumpster diving, you’d find something else.
When she made no move to respond, you stopped what you were doing. “Look, kid. You can either talk to me about what’s bothering you or I can leave you alone and at the mercy of Cid’s chores. I’m fairly sure I heard her mention that the ‘freshers need cleaning. Now, knowing her, she’ll stick me on that, but I can make it that you gotta help me out. I don’t want to but that’s what we’re dealing with here unless you talk to me.” You said, your tone firmer this time.
“But-” Omega began to object.
“Start talking.” You said, working on her top again.
Omega huffed out a breath. “I just don’t get why I wasn’t allowed to go. I’ve helped out before; I don’t understand what was so different about this.”
“Hunter thought, and I agreed with him, you could use a break after everything that happened.” You said kindly as you moved on to the upper part of her arm.
 “But that was decided for me. Don’t I get to at least say how I’m feeling? I can handle missions.”
“Hmm.” You lingered on your thoughts for a moment. On the one hand, Omega was a child. She was all of your responsibility, so you all had to make choices that protected her from unnecessary harm. On the other, she was wanting to be treated as a proper member of the squad and she had been getting that in the more recent times. You all had the chance to express your views or feelings about missions, whether that be personal or tactical, and it was only after that that Hunter made a call which you all would then obey. Omega hadn’t been given that opportunity, not really, and your own past always brought you on the side of giving her more independence and freedom. “You’re right.” You told her understandingly. You finished dabbing at the final stain. “When Hunter gets back, you should talk to him, come up with some sorta deal. I’ll help if you need it.”
“Really?” Omega said, eyes widening in both surprise and happiness.
“Yeah. It’s only fair you get a voice too. It can’t always be me that gives him a hard time anyway.” You added with a grin.
“Thanks!” Omega threw her arms around your neck.
“No problem, kid.” You said, squeezing her briefly. “You’re all finished here too.”
“Oh, good. You’re all sorted out. Now I got some ‘freshers that need cleaning and they’re not going to scrub themselves.” Cid called over to you both.
“I’ve got it.” You said resignedly, grabbing your sponge. As you stood up though, the whole room spun, and you fell back down on your seat. “Whoa.” You said, quietly as you closed your eyes tight to try and re-centre yourself.
“Are you alright?” Omega asked.
“Yeah, just got a bit dizzy. Probably just stood up too fast.”
“It’s not that. You’re running a fever, that’s why.”
You opened your eyes to see Cid standing in front of you. “No, I’m actually kinda cold. Not used to just being in this top.” You provided by way of explanation.
“Then how do you explain the sweat on your brow?”
You pressed the back of your hand to your forehead and sure enough, when you took it away and examined it, there were beads of sweat decorating it. “Huh.”
“My guess, one of your wounds is infected.”
“Nah, can’t be that. Tech cleaned them…” You trailed off as you realised there was a slightly older one that he hadn’t tended to, and it was one you hadn’t been too careful about dealing with.
You peeled the bacta patch away from the wound Wrecker’s shot had caused and sure enough, it was infected. There was increased redness surrounding it and the sight of your stitches had swelled, plus it did not smell the best, especially with the slight discharge of puss that was coming out of it. “Gross.” You complained. “Another top tip, Omega. Don’t use out-of-date med supplies on an open wound in a decrepit and dirty ship. Apparently, the end-result isn’t the best.” You said dismally as you hid you face in your hands. The infection was the least of your worries, Tech was going to have a field day with this. Stupid, stupid, stupid. “And now I gotta wait for Tech to get back and I’ll never hear the end of it.”
“Enough with the dramatics… I’ll get you fixed up.”
You looked up at Cid, your expression nothing short of perplexed. “What?”
“I got some med supplies in the back. You’ll be fever-free before the others even get back.”
“Why?” You said, unable to hide your suspicion.
“Can’t you just accept a gift when it’s given to you?” Cid said irritably.
“So, this is a gift? You’re not getting an extra cut out of this?”
“What I’m getting out of this is I avoid a lecture from Bandana about how I didn’t look after you and I don’t have to deal with disproving glares of the others.”
“Aw and here’s me thinking you cared about my well-being.”
“Keep talking Wisecrack and I’ll leave you to Goggles and his ‘I told you so’ speech.”
“Sorry.” You said shamefacedly. “I appreciate the offer, thank you.”
“Come with me.” Cid gestured for you to get up.
You heaved out a sigh as you stood. “But what about Omega?”
“Those two can watch her.” Cid tilted her head in the direction of her two regulars.
“Dumb and Dumber? You gotta be joking.”
“Oi!” The Weequay objected.
“I’ll be fine. You should just focus on getting better.” Omega said reassuringly.
“Listen to Tiny. I won’t be gone long, and nothing’ll happen. Do you want the infection gone or not?” Cid added.
“Fine. You two!” You shouted over at the usuals. “Anything happens to her while I’m gone or any funny business goes on, see that sword over there?” You pointed over to where your modified vibroblade was (your smaller dagger was still strapped to your good thigh). “I’ll only need to use it once.” When you were satisfied that they’re expressions showed a sufficient amount of fear, you followed Cid into the back, a task that was easier said than done since your perspective still had the room teetered on its side.
--
“Didn’t know this existed.” You mused as you took in the tiny room. All it consisted of was one small bed, a sink, and a bedside table with a couple of drawers.
“Sit.” She shoved you so you were forced to sit on the bed.
“Gee, talk about TLC.” You mumbled under your breath. You inhaled sharply as Cid poured some of a dark brown liquid on your wound. “Little warning next time?” You grumbled.
“You want Tiny alone out there for much longer?”
“No.” You admitted.
“Then you’ll deal with how this goes.”
“Ow!” You complained as she stuck a needle into your arm.
“Quit whining. That’ll sort the fever.”
“You know, you have a charming beside manner. I think you chose the wrong career.”
“Were all Jedi this sarcastic or is it just you?” Cid snapped back as she tidied away the stuff.
“There were a couple.” You said, thinking fondly back to one Jedi in particular. You then started to feel your eyes grow heavy and you found yourself letting out a yawn.
“Yeah, the fever stuff makes you pretty drowsy. You’re better off sleeping until it passes.”
“No, I… gotta… watch… over… Omega.” You said through another yawn as you moved to stand.
“Trust me, you’ll feel better after this, and I’ll make sure she’s safe.” Cid said, pushing you back down.
“But-”
“Stay put.”
“Okay.” You conceded, laying down and lacking the energy to stand back up and fight her. Cid hadn’t killed you and she seemed to care about Omega to a degree so you would give her your trust. “Just find her something to do beside scrubbing, yeah? She’s not just here to be your cleaner.”
“Just you focus on getting through this before Bandana and Goggles show up. For both our sakes.” Cid said, before she walked out the door.
You closed your eyes and found yourself drifting off with no difficulty at all. Your last conscious thought was of Hunter and the rest of the squad. You hoped their mission was going smoothly.
--
Hunter paused with Tech before he rounded the corner. So far, they’d managed to infiltrate the capital building without much difficulty thanks to Tech hacking into their security system and he supposed the droid, who was acting on behalf of their client, had helped to some extent, but he wasn’t ready to ease up on his distrust of the droid just yet which was why he made sure she stayed with him. He’d sent Wrecker and Echo to clear the upper levels. He peered around and saw two troopers guarding the door. “There’s two at the door.” He said to Tech.
“I’m clocking four in the adjacent corridor.” Tech added.
“(Y/N) and I will handle them. You and Omega loop back around.”
“That would be impossible seeing as they aren’t on this mission.” Tech pointed out.
“Ah…right.” Hunter acknowledged. Evidently, he wasn’t used to that idea.  
“Not to worry, I’m getting the hang of this.” The droid said, rounding the corner.
“No, wait.” Hunter hissed but it was too late, the droid was already in the line of sight. He nodded to Tech who then rolled a stun grenade in the direction of the troopers. Once he heard the sound of bodies fall, he stood up, indicating that Tech should follow. As they stepped over the bodies, another trooper opened the door. Hunter acted quickly, grabbing the trooper’s blaster, and using it to hit him in the gut. He then shoved him into a vase, shattering it before slamming his head into another pillar. He watched as the vase on top of it began to teeter and fall, but the droid caught it before it smashed on the ground.
“Do be careful.” The droid tisked, clutching the ornament. “This antique vase was gifted to Senator Singh for his years of service. It is priceless.”
Hunter turned his helmet towards Tech before looking back at her. “Droids.” He said disparagingly. They all then ran through the door to make their way to the Senator. He at least hoped you having a less irritating time back with Omega and Cid.
--
Omega was still cleaning the bar counter, an even more trivial task when you weren’t around but she knew you needed to shake the infection. Then, she heard a laugh behind her. She turned around to see Cid playing Dejarik with the Weequay.
“You got her cornered.” The Ithorian jeered over his friend’s shoulder.
“Oh, yeah, I’m real scared.” Cid said sarcastically as she studied the board.
“Delay all you want; you’re not getting out of this one.” The Weequay taunted.
Cid went to lock in her move when Omega’s voice stopped her.
“I wouldn’t do that.” Omega advised.
“Here that? We got an expert here.” Cid said with a roll of her eyes before she inputted her original move. The move itself resulted in her piece getting wiped off the holoboard.
“She’s done for!” The Ithorian said with a laugh.
“I told you.” Omega said.
“Well, expert, what should I do next?” Cid asked.
Omega walked down from her stool and briefly looked at the board before she locked in the move and watched as Cid’s final piece removed the other opposing pieces of the board.
“You blew it!” The Ithorian complained to his friend.
“Yeah, but you’re the one who said to bet it all!” The Weequay shot back.
“You wanna take this outside?” The Ithorian threatened, leering down.
“Gladly!” The Weequay responded and the two of them left the parlour.
Cid stared at the board. “How’d you know to do that?” She asked.
“It’s a strategy game. I’m good at strategy.” Omega replied simply.
“Hmm.” Cid rubbed a hand along her chin. You had said to find another job for the kid to do. “How good? Enough to, uh, win a few matches for some money?”
“Depends.” Omega said hesitantly. “What’s my cut?”
“Hmm. Thirty percent.” Cid offered.
“Sixty.” Omega countered.
Cid pondered it for a couple seconds. “Deal.”
--
“Senator! I followed your instructions to the letter.”
“I knew you’d come through, GS-8.” Senator Avi said with relief as he rubbed his wrists which the clone with the lighter coloured armour had now freed from the binders.
“And behold. I have saved your most prized vase.” GS-8 said, holding it up to him.
“Great. Now can we get out of here?” Hunter interrupted, looking at the Senator.
“With pleasure.” Senator Avi said as he stood out of his chair.
Tech tapped his datapad and studied the surveillance footage. “An alert has been triggered. Our position has been compromised.”
“Follow us.” Hunter directed to the Senator as he and Tech ran out the door.
When they came out onto a balcony, Hunter could see that the Imperial forces and their tanks were being mobilised. He waited until Echo and Wrecker came out to join them before peering over the left-hand side. “There.” He pointed down. “We’ll seize that tank and blow our way outta here.”
“How do you intend to gain control of the armoured vehicle from up here?” GS-8 enquired.
“Coming through.” Wrecker said gruffly, making his way to the front of the group where he attached a cable to the side of the walker.
Tech and Echo slid down first and quickly commandeered the tank from the Imperial soldiers that were in it. As it powered down, Tech spoke into his comm. “All clear.”
“Impressive.” GS-8 said with mild admiration.
“You can’t possibly expect me to do that.” Senator Singh said sceptically.
Wrecker checked the security of the cable before letting out a groan. “Just don’t look down.” With that, he grabbed the Senator and glided down the cable with him to the inside of the tank.
Hunter grabbed the droid and followed suit.
“Nicely done.” GS-8 complimented.
Hunter hastily made his way to the steering. “Get this thing moving, Tech.”
Tech nodded and put the walker into motion.
Wrecker chucked the unconscious troopers out. “They’ll feel that in the morning!”
--
The walker shook violently and stopped with the impact of the shot.
“The rear axle stabiliser is off-line.” Tech said, shielding his eyes from the sparks that flew off the control panel. “We will need to recalibrate manually.” He told Hunter.
“Get this bucket up and running.” He ordered Tech and Echo. “Wrecker and I will hold them off.” As he said that, he found himself missing you. You would’ve been really helpful right now.
--
Sliding under the advancing Imperial walker, Hunter fired multiple stun blasts in the direction of the soldiers who were shooting at him before he went up to join Wrecker and assist him in disabling that tank. Together, the two of them were able to decommission it but a quick exist was needed since another tank sent a shot in their direction. Tucking and rolling to cushion his landing, Hunter stood back up alongside Wrecker and continued to send stun shots in the direction of the Imperial soldiers, but they had to take cover behind the fallen walker since the Imperial troopers had numbers on their side and Hunter knew they couldn’t hold them back for long. “Tech, how we doing?” Hunter spoke into his comm.
Glancing up at the new walker that was moving steadily towards them all, Tech replied. “I need more time.”
“Freeze.”
Tech and Echo turned with their hands raised as a small squad of troopers walked towards them, their blasters raised.
“Drop your weapons.” One trooper ordered.
Reacting swiftly to the Senator throwing his vase at the head of one of the clones, Tech managed to stun the remaining two soldiers. He looked down at his datapad. “Repairs complete.” He informed Hunter.
“We’re on our way.” Hunter confirmed, firing a couple more shots in the direction of the troopers before he and Wrecker ran back into their captured walker.
As the clone got the walker moving, Senator Singh joined the two clones in the front. “Turn down that alleyway.”
“We’ll be trapped in a choke point.” Tech said warily.
“You’re going to have to trust me.”
Tech glanced over at Hunter, double checking that this is something they were going to do. Only after Hunter gave a nod did Tech do as the Senator instructed.
“Move into position next to that wall. It leads to a subterranean passage.” Senator Singh revealed.
Tech angled the walker into position.
Senator Singh opened the door to the wall. “If you don’t mind, please blast a whole in the wall right here.” He patted the area he was referring to.
“That I can do.” Wrecker said, stepping forward. He placed a charge on the wall and closed the door. The explosion rattled the walker slightly, but it did the trick. As the door opened, they were greeted by a passage.
“Hurry. This way.” Senator Singh directed.
The rest of the squad followed him, Wrecker being the last of them to do so since he placed another charge to seal the passageway shut behind them.
--
Senator Singh paused before joining the others on their ship. “What am I doing?” He whispered to himself. He turned back in the direction of the capital. “I cannot abandon my people.”
“You will, Senator, but not if you are in Imperial custody.” GS-8 said.
“She’s right. Live to fight another day.” Echo advised as he approached the Senator’s side.
Senator Sing nodded, looking back one final time at his home before he stepped on the ship with the others.
--
Loud cheering and whistling were what woke you up. Those sounds were not ones you associated with this place. You rubbed your eyes, stretched, and swung your legs out of bed, finding that you could already put a lot more pressure on your injured leg.
You lightly limped out the room to the main part of the parlour and you were quite taken aback, not to mention a little bit horrified by what you saw. You were taken aback by just how busy Cid’s actually was, you’d never seen it like this, but you were not thrilled by the sight of Omega sitting with a large crowd surrounding her at a Dejarik table as she played against a total stranger. You pulled Cid off from where she had positioned herself next to Omega.
“Glad to see you’re doing better but ease up on the death grip there.” Cid objected.
You kept your hand where it was. “What the hell is this?” You hissed angrily. “One, I’m sure whatever it is, is illegal in some way since she’s a child and two, she’s supposed to be laying low and this looks like anything but. What if one of these goons turned out to be a hunter?”
“I don’t know what you’re complaining about.” Cid said roughly as she removed your hand from the upper part of her arm. “You told me to find another job for her, so I did, and nothing’s gone wrong.”
“But-”
“Plus, she’s already earned enough credits to pay back the debt you folks owe me. If anything, you should be thanking me. I put this partnership together and the kid’s doing just fine.”
You looked past her to see Omega defeat her opponent. She didn’t look to be in any danger and the only out of place thing you could sense right now was the fact that Cid’s was so popular. “Fine, but it stops before Hunter…” You trailed off as you sensed Hunter approach and sure enough, two seconds later, Hunter and the rest of the squad came down the stairs to the parlour, along with two others who you assumed were the Senator they were sent to rescue and his droid. “Shows up.” You finished dismally.
Cid turned to see that Omega had left the table and the clones had made their appearance. “Alright, show’s over. No more bets.” She shooed the onlookers out of the parlour.
You walked over to join your squad, smiling as you saw Wrecker pick Omega up.
“Kid, where’d you learn to do that?” Wrecker said proudly.
“She’s a natural. I’ve never seen anything like it.” Cid said admirably.
“I told you to keep a low profile. This is the opposite.” Hunter said sternly.
Noticing the way Omega’s face dropped, you gently grabbed Hunter’s shoulder to get him to face you. “I wasn’t thrilled either, Hunter, but she made enough money to pay off the debt we owe Cid. We should be thanking her to be honest.”
“Yeah, try showing a little gratitude my friend.” Cid said, walking past him. “You did good.” She told Omega before addressing the Senator. “Senator, glad you made it. Let’s talk payment.” She said, guiding him and his droid towards the back.
Hunter watched them go before turning to talk to you again. “You were okay with all of that?”
“Well… no, but I was uh otherwise engaged when Cid decided to employ her services that way.” You said, shifting your feet awkwardly.
“You know you’re going to have to do better than that.” Hunter said, crossing his arms.
“I may have fallen asleep.” You winced out. “See, the wound I got on my left shoulder on Bracca became infected and I ended up running a fever. It wasn’t too bad and I’m fine now.” You added quickly, seeing the flash of concern in Hunter’s eyes.
“I told you using those medical supplies in that environment was a bad idea.” Tech chimed in.
“Thank you, Tech.” You grumbled as he passed you. “But Cid offered to treat it and I accepted, hoping to avoid the ‘I told you so’ from Tech but obviously that didn’t work out. The thing she gave me made me pretty drowsy. Cid assured me she would watch Omega, but I didn’t know that was what she had in mind. If I had, I would’ve just stuck it out until you all got back, especially cause I ended up with Tech finding out anyway.”
Hunter just shook his head with mild amusement. He could easily believe that the only reason you accepted help was to avoid a telling off from Tech rather than for your own health.
You then noticed Omega start to slowly walk past you guys. “She was helpful, Hunter. She can handle herself. You should reconsider the mission ban.” You added with a whisper before you walked away, tapping Omega on the shoulder to get her to stop before you sat down at the counter, watching their conversation hopefully.
Hunter let out a small sigh and half turned back to speak to Omega. “You really paid off our debt?”
“I wanted to be useful, even if I couldn’t go on the mission.” Omega replied, keeping her back to him.
“Hmm.” Hunter turned around fully. “How about we put those strategy skills to the test?” He walked over the holochess board. “One match. If you win, then no more sitting out on missions.” He sat down at the table and activated the board. He looked back at her, tilting his head in the direction of the other seat.
Omega eagerly ran over and sat down.
“You ready for this?” Hunter asked her.
“Are you?” Omega countered with a smile before she programmed in her first move.   
Your smile was concealed by the cup you were drinking from, but you found that the interaction was one that was making your insides feel all warm and fuzzy. This was the first time you’d really seen them interact on a more normal level, without a threat looming over them and it was something you could get used to seeing.
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fairydares · 1 year ago
Text
Reminiscing on the Hard Road (A Gruvia Fic)
Rating: M
Summary: While on his way to a mission, Gray reflects on the hardships, tears, battles, and triumphs which led to him and Juvia finding their happiness together. (Or: the story of how they finally, officially got together told through memories).
AO3 Link ; FFNet Link
Words: ~8,000
Warnings: Please read with caution as this contains adult themes & situations (though nothing explicit). Also swearing and allusions to mental illness, dissociation and depression symptoms especially. Man this feels like the end of a drug commercial. Enjoy!
AN: I realized how long it'd been since I updated Chasing Tails and was feeling really bad about it. I'm so sorry, guys! I've just been really busy! I don't have time to get Chapter 5 up tonight, but I do have the time to share this Gruvia piece I wrote a while ago as a karmic sort of apology.
With that in mind, this is a bit of a rough, long one-shot. It comes from a chapter in a larger, mostly Nalu-focused fic which I may or may not ever actually finish writing. Sooo it's not even really a one-shot so much as it's, like, a segment of a chapter from one. I also barely had time to clean it up ever so slightly.
However, I thought Gruvia fans would appreciate anyway. Maybe one day, I'll write the whole thing because I honestly think it could be a story, or maybe a series of drabbles? This is all you kids get for now, though, lol. no fucks given (just kidding this will keep me up nights.)
o(O)o
Ignoring Natsu's whining about still being motion sick from beside him, Gray buried his hands in his pockets and let his eyes engage in their favorite past-time: roaming the curves of the blue-haired woman walking in front of him.
Him and Juvia had officially been together for over half a year, but his eyes still snagged on the same places they always had. The sway of her blue hair, now long enough to partly obscure the pinch of her waist and flare of her hips with each swish. The pretty, cute flush that lived on her cheeks as she listened attentively to Erza, who was chattering about a famous desert shop in the area. The way shadow and light shifted over the curve of her rear. And—forever his most favorite—the exposed skin of her legs. Long, toned, moon white...and fucking perfect.
Gray felt his cheeks heat, but couldn't find it in himself to drag his eyes away. The solidness and length of their relationship did absolutely nothing to diminish the novelty of her beauty, like he might once have feared it would. Instead, it hypnotized him more surely than ever. Noticing all the men drooling over her figure as they walked past, Gray was aware of the sting of possessiveness and annoyance which rose in his chest, but was also easily able to ignore it.
He was as comfortable as any guy with a stunning girlfriend could be in his own jealousy, these days. More shockingly, so was Juvia, a fact that was plain from the way she shot only perfunctory glares at the women eyeing him and whispering to each other as they passed.
As he stared at her back, his lips quirked ever so slightly. It had taken time, tears, and work—more work than he could ever have anticipated—to get to this point in their relationship. But work had never been more worth it.
His mind wandered to reminiscence. To where it had all started, when they had started, after the 100-Year Quest had ended and he'd finally—with Lucy, Levy, and Erza's help—managed to ask Juvia to be his girlfriend.
"Not just 'yours'," Levy had insisted, explaining that phrasing would confuse her. "Your girlfriend."
He'd actually fought them on it. Not really because he had a problem with commitment anymore (okay, it was a little embarrassing, but not too much) but because the words "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" felt ridiculous, considering everything they'd been through. How deeply he cared about her. For crying out loud, they'd tried to kill themselves for each other. He'd kill for her, die for her, and—most importantly—he would live for her. Beyond making his ears feel like they were going to melt off, the word "girlfriend" felt trite.
But when Lucy and Levy demanded to know if that meant he was going to propose, he'd balked. Actually, having the m-word shoved right up against his nose kind of made his soul flee his body. As ready as he was for a romantic relationship, he wanted to go through the actual experience of having one. Like, with all the steps involved. In order. He was at the point in his life that he wanted it more than anything.
More importantly, he wanted to give Juvia that experience. He was determined to do right by her.
With the girls' reality check, and the point they'd made that ambiguity might make Juvia jump to the wrong conclusion or even hurt her, they'd convinced him. He'd been committed to making his long-awaited confession as special for Juvia as possible, complete with saying any embarrassing words she wanted to hear.
Gray still hadn't felt worthy of the love she gave him. He still struggled to believe he was a man who could protect her. But after everything he'd been through during the 100-Year-Quest, seeing how much she'd missed him the whole time, and his talk with Juvina-sama, he'd understood it was completely unfair to ask Juvia to wait for him to decide he was worthy enough to love her openly. He also wasn't above admitting that Juvina-sama's suggestion that she wouldn't wait forever had disquieted some irrational part of him enough to make him antsy, impatient to make absolutely sure they were exclusive.
He'd been completely flustered throughout his confession, but known it had gone as right as it could. Lucy, Levy, and Erza—who thought they'd been slick, hiding in a nearby bush to watch him confess—had agreed. (Lucy had annoyed him to no end by teasing him over how "adorable" he'd been.)
And yet...Juvia's response hadn't been quite what Gray hoped. Lucy hadn't noticed it, but he had. He didn't know exactly when it had happened, but at some point, he'd learned to read the Water Mage like an open book. For how sincere a person she was—a trait he was all too familiar with—Juvia could also be surprising, even mysterious. As transient as water, with hidden depths you'd never know a thing about unless you were willing to dive beneath the surface.
When Gray confessed, he'd braced himself for joyous screaming. He'd planned to freeze a literal flood of tears before it could wash them both away. He'd been prepared to get a concussion from how hard she'd glomp him in the street. But while she had said yes, demurely accepted the roses, and hugged him plenty tight...her response had been subdued. In hindsight, he could see the pattern her reaction fit: the way her gaze had dropped to the street despite her happy flush, the hesitant, nervous gleam in her eyes, the limited verbal response.
The only times she'd ever acted that way had been when he actually reciprocated some of her affection. When he'd promised to give her a straight answer, after he defeated END. When he'd given her a one-armed hug and said he was glad her "body" was safe, after he'd saved her from that wood bastard.
Something had been wrong. But when the girls who'd spied on him only gushed afterwards, not seeming to have noticed anything off, he'd shrugged off his concerns, assuming it was his own lack of romantic literacy. He'd been nervous, but also really excited to learn.
But as their relationship officially began...it quickly became obvious that there was a problem, and that a one-sided approach to fixing it just wasn't going to cut it.
Juvia had always been prone to mood swings severe enough to make Gray's head spin, but as soon as they started dating, her mood seemed to sink. He'd try to ask her about it only for her to put on an obviously fake, cheery front and insist she was fine.
At first, he was sure it must be his fault. He'd had no idea what he was doing wrong. At that point, the guilt he felt for not taking Juvia's feelings seriously for so long, for abandoning her in Amefurashi Village, and for nearly letting her die in an attempt to save him had been taking a serious toll on him. The guilt had sometimes left him ragged. Every time she seemed down, he beat himself up and tried to do better. Talking, dates, spending time together (even when it meant ditching missions he really wanted to go on with the team), accepting her gifts and acting happy about them (no matter how much they creeped him out).
But the more he'd tried to make up for everything, the worse it seemed to get. He watched her frustration rise as he tried to be more openly affectionate, her denials that she was frustrated getting louder. More and more, she gave, but when he gave back, she'd look ready to explode or burst into tears.
What had made everything come to a head was the sex. A surprise in itself. For all the ways their relationship had suffered, sex had never been one of them. It'd started back in the cabin they shared in Amefurashi Village. From the first night they'd moved in together, Juvia had not-so-surprisingly tried to edge her way into Gray's bed constantly. She'd use excuses of cold weather, make puppy eyes, and sew nauseatingly pink coupley bed sheets to try to lure him (when, he still had no idea).
Meanwhile, he struggled more and more to pretend he didn't find (most of) her antics adorable. Not to mention incredibly tempting. Things escalated to where he'd feel his excitement rising towards the end of their daily training sessions, to the point his body became conditioned to react when he saw the damn sun set.
He also felt increasing dread at the notion of having to turn Juvia down—and for having to sneak out in the middle of every night to "take care" of the problem she always left him with (cold showers didn't exactly work for an Ice Wizard).
Finally, one night, she'd pouted and whined that she was sore from training and begged for a massage. Gray didn't know if it was the fact she was asking him for something instead of offering; the unbelievably cute, sparkly-eyed, hopeful glances she kept sneaking at him; or the fact he could tell she actually was sore from the way her face would pinch as she attempted to stretch provocatively in front of him, but his resolve had shattered.
Before he could think and without a word, he'd lifted his covers and held her gaze, not bothering to hide the dark promise in his eyes.
Her reaction had been priceless. He'd never forget it.
His acceptance seemed to knock the breath straight out of her. Her eyes had gone round as saucers, staring into his eyes like she couldn't believe what she was seeing. Her cheeks had darkened. She'd stood stunned for so long that he'd started to get nervous, wondering if she'd only been being playful all this time, not really meaning to come on to him or maybe not expecting him to ever accept. But just as he'd been trying to field the disappointment sinking his heart and trying to think of how to promise he wouldn't do anything she didn't want, she'd hesitantly approached the bed, trembling.
After giving her the massage she'd asked for, he'd rewarded her bravery three times over.
After that, for the very first time, the dynamic of their relationship shifted in one, important way—the one which would force him to finally confront his own heart:
In terms of their physical relationship, he became the more dominant one. In this one aspect of their shared life, he chased. Gray flustered Juvia. He hadn't been able to get enough. What had once been a relentless, one-sided pursuit (one where she had, admittedly, been gaining on him without his notice) became a dance which had addicted him before he knew it.
The notion of reciprocating her feelings had once had him running for the hills. So it had been a huge shock to learn just how much he liked it.
She was so obviously happy and disbelieving that first time he slipped her clothes off in the moonlit dark, cursing over her beauty. Utterly awestruck when he'd seen to her pleasure (twice, he still liked to remember proudly) before even considering his own. Sex was the first time he heard her speak in the first-person, the first time she said his name without adding "-sama" (since that battle in the rain, anyway.)
It was when he lost himself in her soft skin, her passion, and her pleasure that some part of him was able to accept the truth she'd had the grace to surrender to from the very beginning.
The shift in their sex life was also when he'd started to twig something wasn't right between them. After Alvarez was when he'd started it back up. His plan had been to wait until he was able to reciprocate her feelings verbally, like he'd promised, but almost losing her had broken him in a way some part of him would never truly recover from. Between that and his final, full acceptance of his own feelings, there'd been no restraining himself. He'd come onto her with all the subtlety of a freight train the second they were alone.
Even then, something hadn't been quite right. She hadn't been herself, quiet enough that—even as...compromised as his critical thinking skills had been, at the time, and even in his heightened emotional state—he'd noticed. He'd pulled back and asked if she was okay, but when her response had simply been to drag him back in for a kiss that made his knees weak, he'd taken it as a yes and matched her passion enthusiastically.
She kept staying quiet in bed. It bothered the hell out of him, and he badgered her about it more than once, but would ultimately let it go when she insisted she was fine. In his defense, there had been a lot of reasons she could've become subdued. They had just fought a war. They were all exhausted from fixing the town and working to build peace in Fiore.
But after the 100-Year Quest and after his confession, she got even weirder. He noticed it all the time, in every aspect of their relationship, but it was especially noticeable in bed, when they were so close to each other, both completely vulnerable.
When they'd cohabitated, he'd almost always been the one to start something. He'd enjoyed that. He'd even (hell, especially) enjoyed the way she'd flirt, pretend to be oblivious to his advances, pout and blush and make him impress her, coax him to the brink of losing his mind before finally caving to both of their desires. Those times where he went from prey to predator had balanced their entire relationship, satisfying both of them.
Gray wasn't some slimeball who needed sex, but he did need some balance in their dynamic. The private, physical side of their relationship was just where it'd happened to play out. It could've played out anywhere in their relationship, if they were off sex for a while for whatever reason.
But as soon as they became official, it became clear she'd fight tooth and nail to make sure that never happened.
She came onto him. Every. Single. Time. He'd been a little surprised, but happy enough. At first. But as he pushed her to talk to him harder and she denied louder, he'd started to guess that something was genuinely, really wrong.
She didn't speak in the first-person when they were intimate, any more. She didn't drop the "-sama." Even worse, he started to suspect she was seducing him even when she wasn't really in the mood. Almost like she felt like she had to.
It had been one such time when he finally flipped his shit. Even now, walking behind her and appreciating her curves, the memory made his mood falter a little.
He regretted how he'd handled things. It shamed him to remember how he'd all but shoved her off him and refused to do anything else with her until she was ready to tell him whatever the hell was going on inside that crazy, watery head of hers. It was an ultimatum. A cruelly-put one, at that. He hadn't realized just how hurt and angry he was until the words flew out of his mouth.
Juvia had opened up, alright.
In fact, she'd exploded.
They'd screamed at each other, horrible things Gray could hardly stand to repeat even in his own head. She'd demanded that he quit wasting both their time and leave her again, like they both knew he would. He'd asked how stupid she could be to think he'd do that, when he was obviously dedicated enough to put up with her psycho stalker gifts. She'd retorted that her "psycho stalker gifts" didn't seem to have any affect on his libido. He'd yelled that she was the one jumping his bones, ever since he'd asked her out. She'd said that was because she actually cared about his happiness, implying that was something he'd never understand.
She'd ended the black, ugly fight with four hoarse words that ripped his heart out of his chest: "This is over, Gray-sama!"
His apartment door had slammed behind her.
He'd been too shocked and devastated to do anything but watch her go, not even managing to stagger to the door and chase after her until she was long-gone. Black curse power had swirled across his skin as he pelted to the guild, growling in frustration when he didn't find her there. Then he'd run all the way to the female dorms at Fairy Hills only to be deterred by Erza, who met him at the gate. She hadn't known anything about his and Juvia's fight, but she'd been drawn by his yelling.
His older sister figure had knocked him out "for his own good."
The next afternoon, Gray had woken up in his own bed. Not bothering to see if he was dressed (it would turn out he wasn't) he'd booked straight to the guild only to be devastated by the news that Juvia had taken a long-term S-class quest just that morning, news which was delivered by a sympathetic Mira.
Sure that it was over, that he'd ruined everything, he'd drunk himself sick—then kept drinking, swinging fists at anyone and everyone who tried to console him until, finally, in the wee hours of the next morning, Gajeel managed to knock him out of it.
The hostility, Gray had expected. Gajeel was Juvia's best friend; of course he was angry to learn that Gray had done something to upset her so much, she'd left for a Quest that could take months or even years to finish without so much as a word to Gajeel or any of their other comrades.
What did surprise Gray was the understanding Gajeel eventually showed.
Gray got his ass knocked flat by the Iron Dragon Slayer. From his back on the ground, he started to spit out what happened. With each word, the larger man had visibly calmed. After enough had come out, he'd awkwardly helped Gray to his feet (his own, gruff brand of apology.) He'd helped Gray sober up, then he'd given him a pep talk.
He'd refused to explain his own guesses as to what was going on with Juvia, insisting "who knows what goes on in that water witch's head." But he'd also insisted that whatever was going on, it for damn sure wasn't what Gray thought, which was that he'd hurt her too badly for her to love him anymore.
"She's obsessed with you," the man had said, scowling in disgust. "She's always been obsessed with you. She's way too stubborn to let it go that easy. It's annoying."
By six AM, Gajeel Redfox—of all people—had talked Gray into chasing after the love of his life. He'd even used his Iron Magic to create a lockpick which got them into the archive room, where they'd found Mira's records...and Juvia's location.
He'd barely had the time to register the irony of her quest's location before he was gone, shooting Gajeel a gruff "thanks" over his shoulder and running home to pack.
It'd been raining when he finally walked into Amefurashi Village.
He hadn't consciously known where to start looking when he arrived, but his feet—following some combination of muscle memory and the fate he'd fought for so long—had carried him to the place where the word "home" had changed for him: the cabin he and Juvia had shared. Where they'd grown together. Taken care of each other.
Where he'd left her. Hurt her. Even if most of the reason to do so was because he wanted to protect her, he couldn't stop hating himself for that.
She was standing outside the place, drenched and shivering, when he got there. As if sensing his arrival as surely as he'd known where to find her, Juvia had turned to look at Gray with eyes that were glassy above flushed cheeks. She'd wavered on her feet.
As soon as she'd whispered his name, she'd toppled. Gray's bag had landed in a puddle with a splashy thunk. He'd lunged to catch her like his life depended on it.
Shouting her name had earned him no response, but pressing the back of his hand to her forehead had been enough to convince him that she had a seriously high fever.
Strangely, as worried as he'd been about her, he hadn't even thought to bring her back to Wendy or seek a nearer healer. In hindsight, he was sure that deep down, he'd realized it would do no good; she wasn't physically ill, but heartsick, just as he was. He'd felt lower than the mud gathering around his boots.
He'd been surprised to discover that he had to break into their old home, and rapidly deduced that Juvia hadn't been staying at their old cabin even though she'd been standing outside of it, both from that fact and the fact that none of her stuff was there.
As soon as he lay her in the bed which had once been his before becoming theirs, she'd begun shivering. For the first time in his life, Gray cursed that he was an Ice Wizard instead of a Fire Wizard.
He'd run outside, grabbed his bag, then come back in—only to curse again when he unclasped the bag only to discover that all its contents were soaked. Thinking quickly, he'd stripped his wet clothes, then hers. He'd climbed into bed with her.
"'M sorry, Gray-sama..." she'd slurred her sleep. "Juvia's so sorry...Juvia had to...I just had to..."
He'd shushed her, rubbing her arms to try to warm her up. "It's okay, Juvia. I know, my love. It's okay..."
He'd kept holding her and whispering soft comfort to her until she'd finally stopped shivering, at which point his frantic worry had abated enough that he could fully admit to himself how good it felt to have her in his arms, her skin against his. How warm she was. How perfectly she fit against him. How much he missed her. She was right there, as close as another person could ever be to him. Yet with how things had been between them lately and how lost she was to fever, he'd never felt further away.
Apparently, he'd fallen asleep at some point, because when he awoke, it was to the rising sun blazing at him from the center of the cabin window. Ignoring his body's reaction to waking up in the arms of the very naked, beautiful woman he happened to be in love with, Gray had instantly dropped his hand to Juvia's forehead, sighing in relief when it became clear her fever had reduced. She wasn't better, but she was getting there.
Quickly figuring out what needed done, he'd dropped a tender kiss to her warm forehead, murmuring a threat against her sweaty hairline: "You'd better not even think of running away again, crazy woman. We are going to talk when I get back."
Gray had dressed, glanced back, and left. He'd met up with he client—a rich and unfortunately good-looking asshole about Gray's age who was way too disappointed Juvia, herself, wasn't the one who'd shown up. Through gritted teeth, Gray informed the bastard it would be a couple days before he and his partner (he was sure to emphasize those words several times) would be able to begin investigating the dark guild threatening the area, as she'd fallen ill.
It annoyed him to no end that the creep seemed genuinely concerned about this, trying to insert himself, demand to see her, and attempting to coax Gray into revealing her location (Gray couldn't help the pleasure and hope which rose in his chest, when he learned she hadn't told this guy wherever it was she was staying; obviously, she'd had no interest in sharing that information.)
The client had thrown a rich boy tantrum when Gray refused to tell him anything, but ultimately let him go when Gray promised Juvia would be there in a couple days (not bothering to mention that he would absolutely be there, too.)
He'd gone to pick up medicine and food. He'd grabbed all the ingredients he could remember for something hearty, mild, and delicious she used to make him when they lived together, a chicken stew that tasted like something he could remember from childhood. Those ingredients, medicine, ginger tea...anything he could think of that might help her feel better, he purchased, barely noting price.
Juvia had been waiting on the porch wrapped only in a blanket when he returned, flushed with both fever and anger.
They'd both been pissed at each other. While Gray locked horns with Juvia's amorous creep of a client, she had apparently been discovered by the landlord who owned their old cabin and only barely managed to talk him out of his anger, ultimately having to pay double their old monthly rent to keep him from calling the authorities—all while wrapped only in a blanket.
A brief yelling match had ensued. It ended when Juvia began coughing rather violently, Gray dropping his groceries in the mud to run to her. Even as she insisted she was fine, he'd ushered her into the cabin, forcing her to sit before he went back out to grab the food he'd bought.
Her face had gone funny when he began grouchily unloading chicken, rice, broth, veggies, and herbs. When he (somewhat defensively) asked what the hell she was staring at, she'd haltingly asked if he'd bought all of that for her. Exasperated, he'd told her of course he had, she'd had him worried sick.
The groceries had been abandoned when she burst into tears.
It had taken several minutes of heart-wrenching sobs on Juvia's part and coaxing on Gray's for the conversation to actually begin.
During their ugly fight in his apartment, she'd exploded.
Here, in the lonely home they'd once shared, she imploded.
While the groceries thawed and dripped on the kitchen counter, Juvia sobbed the whole, messy, painful truth into his chest. She told him everything. She told him how, deep down, she'd always known she wasn't worthy of having her love reciprocated by him. It had been true from the moment they'd met, when she'd been part of Phantom Lord, but remained true no matter how long she'd been at Fairy Tail. That was how she'd put it: "I always knew I wasn't worthy of Gray-sama's love." Not only because of her past, but because of how annoying she was. How gloomy. How creepy and obnoxious.
Gray hadn't even had time to express his horror at the fact she thought those things before she'd been plowing on, her tears only getting thicker and her words only making his heart sink lower.
She said knowing she didn't deserve his love had turned to knowing she didn't deserve to love him at all, when she'd killed Keyes to free Gray's father from his undead life. But even though "Gray-sama had been wonderful enough to forgive Juvia," she'd continued to hate herself, deep down.
She told him that sharing a life in the cabin they were currently in had, for her, been the sweetest kind of torture. That she'd never been so happy—and never felt more undeserving. For the first time, she told him that she'd only had one lover before Gray, some piece of shit named "Bora" who'd never cared about her or her pleasure. Gray had been nothing like him, attentive, caring, and as invested in her pleasure as he was in his own. At first, feeling so cared for had been as overwhelming as it was amazing, but by the time Gray started to pull away from her for his mission, the overwhelmed feelings had slowly begun to fade, letting her forget everything but the happiness she felt with him.
Juvia told him that the day he abandoned her to infiltrate Avatar, everything which she'd started to believe could feel right began to feel wrong, and everything which had felt wrong began to feel right. She'd never felt she deserved to be loved by Gray the way she loved him. Being left by him had, in a horrible way, made her feel like the world was how it was supposed to be.
But it had also ripped her apart.
It had destroyed any confidence she'd begun to gain in herself.
She told him that she resented being abandoned. Resented not being told about his mission to infiltrate a Dark Guild, not just because of their relationship, but because she had once been in a Dark Guild, and could potentially have helped his and Erza's Mission. She'd not only felt betrayed on a personal level, but disrespected as a Mage with no small amount of skill and experience.
It was a side to the issue which he had, shameflly, never considered.
He was mortified when she'd finally let herself chastise him for this—especially when he'd tried to defend himself by bringing up details of his mission only to be instantly struck down and ripped apart by someone who was, in fact, very obviously more knowledgeable about the inner workings of Dark Guilds than either he or Erza ever had been. Hell, Juvia could probably have run the mission almost as well as Jellal had.
For the first time, he saw just how beneficial it would have been to have her on board, despite Erza urging him not to get her involved. He should've gone against her orders, asked forgiveness instead of permission. Over the course of that one conversation, it was clear that having her on board would have shortened the length of their mission by probably several months.
But worse than the benefits they'd missed out on, in infiltrating Avatar, worse than the fact that she resented him, was her admission that she hated herself for that resentment.
She'd apologized. So many times. Too many times to count. Each apology was another crack in Gray's heart. He'd tried to ask her to stop, but they'd just kept slipping out anyway. It was like she couldn't help it.
She'd told him that over time, as she got to know the other women in Fairy Tail—Lucy, Cana, and Levy—she'd realized just how unworthy she was of the care Gray held for even just his friends. She just hadn't been forced to confront her own lacking sense of self-worth...until he openly reciprocated her feelings.
She said that the second he confessed, part of her felt wrong. Like she'd donned someone else's skin—someone who was worth being loved by Gray. Her guilt, her knowledge that she wasn't worthy of him, her bitterness, her self-hatred...all of it had come rushing to the surface.
She told him that, as unworthy as she'd felt, she'd been too selfish to reject him. Too angry at the thought of him being with someone else. Her own selfishness made her feel even worse than before. She'd been determined to be worthy of him, and so she had sought to pay every ounce of love he gave her three times over. At least.
It hadn't made her feel any better. No matter how hard she tried to be sure to pay him back, every time Gray took her on a date or made love to her, it made her skin crawl, because she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve his love, his affection, or even his attention. He deserved better, and she was nowhere close to deserving him. She never would be.
If there had been even one last, single sliver of a doubt as to how he felt about this woman, it died then and there. Nothing—not his own guilt, being screamed at, or being broken up with—nothing could hurt worse than being made aware of what a hard time she was having. Learning just how badly she'd been dissociating during all their most precious moments. How much pain she was in. How little she thought of herself. How deep her scars ran.
He'd have given anything to take her pain away. He'd have given anything to change it. Right then, he couldn't think of a single thing he wouldn't have done to make her see herself as he saw her: the energetic, caring, fierce Mage he'd come to know. The woman who always eclipsed everything else for just a second, the first time he saw her every day.
He'd wanted to tell her all that, and more. He wanted to apologize. He'd wanted to tell her how badly he missed her after he'd left her here, that this place had been home for him, too. He'd wanted to tell her how much she meant to him, that no day without her smile even felt real, but his voice had been stuck behind a lump of misery and all he'd been able to do, for a very long time, was lay in their bed and hold her while she cried the rest of it out. He wasn't too ashamed to admit he lost a couple tears in her hair, too.
Over the twilight of time it had taken for her sobs to turn hoarse, then to whimpers, then sniffles, guilt, emotional exhaustion, an anguish washed over Gray in their turn.
Until finally, he hardened all of those feelings into resolve.
"I'm really thankful that you're here. For always being beside me..."
Those were the words Gray had said to her before Alvarez, and he'd meant them. For years, Juvia had done nothing but be there for him. Even when he didn't want her there, she stayed right next to him, quietly piecing together his heart and his trust. It killed him that the woman who'd confronted him with her love, made him face down his own weakness, always thought of him, and helped him so much more than he could ever truly thank her for had been hiding so much of her own pain. He wished she would have told him any of this all the times he'd pushed and asked.
But he couldn't blame her for that. Maybe she hadn't opened up to him before then, but her mentions of her days in Phantom and of that shithead ex of hers had driven home, with stark clarity, a realization he wished he'd made a lot sooner: Juvia didn't know how to open up like Gray had tried to demand, because she hadn't grown up somewhere like Fairy Tail.
Unlike Gray and Natsu and the others, she hadn't been taught to bare her pain, hadn't always known there would be someone to listen to her, cry with her, be on her side. While Gray had been fought, teased, and accepted for exactly who he was (more often his whole self than not) Juvia had been abandoned by every single person in her life except Gajeel and those who'd wanted to use her for their own ends. Gray abandoning her had only confirmed what she'd been taught was inevitable.
But the Ice Mage wouldn't linger on that. He wouldn't give any more time to despair.
It was his turn now, he realized. His turn to stay beside her even when it was hard, and do the work. Now, he just had to figure out how. But while he'd been trying to do that, had been gathering his words, Juvia had recovered enough to speak once more.
She'd apologized again. She'd told him that she knew this was too much, that all of this was too much...that she was too much. For the times they'd shared, she thanked him quietly, eyes bright with yet more tears and refusing to meet his as she continued that she'd had to let Gray go because she wanted him to be happy, and she'd finally, finally realized she could never do that for him, not really. Then she'd tried to push him away, and as Gray had tightened his grip, he'd realized he didn't need to figure out what to do, what to say, or how to love her.
She'd been showing him all along.
After a deep breath, the words had come low, and easier than he'd thought. He told her she was right, all of this was a lot...but also that he was so, so happy she'd finally told him what was really going on. He'd been as gentle as possible when he told her he could see how difficult and scary it had been for her to open up about all this and that he was proud of how brave she'd been for doing so, but she'd started crying again anyway, so he'd had to carry on with a shakier, hoarser voice.
He'd apologized. For everything. For not taking her feelings seriously for so long, for not seeing her when she needed to be seen, for leaving her behind and hurting her so badly she'd gotten sick. He hadn't been dismissing her abilities as a Mage so much as he'd been trying to protect her, but that was no excuse. "High-handed and cruel" was a generous way to describe his behavior, and he finally saw that. He'd told her that if he could take it back, he would. But he couldn't. He could only promise to never, ever leave her like that again, and he was more than ready to make that promise. He had been for a long time, since well into the 1oo Years Quest. If she'd only give him another chance, he'd show her.
At this point, Juvia had obviously started to twig that this conversation wasn't going to go how she planned, with Gray accepting she was too burdensome and unworthy for him and leaving her alone like everyone else had left her, because she'd started kicking up a fuss, forcing him to hold her there again.
"Let Juvia go, Gray-sama!" she'd demanded shakily, sounding like she was barely clinging to her determination. But Gray had refused. He refused to let her go like this, not until she'd heard him out.
As brief as the ensuing argument had been, it was also one of the most frustrating conversations Gray had ever taken part in (and he'd fought Natsu on basically every cock-and-bull-ass plan he'd ever come up with.)
He'd tried desperately to insist that while Juvia could be creepy and he did find rain somewhat gloomy, she was not worthless or annoying or obnoxious. He'd tried to tell her that she did make him happy. He'd tried to tell her how he felt about her.
Juvia had not responded well.
A wall had slammed up in her eyes, the same blank one he'd met on that fateful, rainy day so long ago. As she'd kept denying, and he'd kept pushing, their voices had gotten louder. Eventually, Gray had realized it was raining outside the window next to their bed again, and that was the one thing that had forced him to take a step back from his own frustration. Lucky, because if he hadn't, he might have flown off the handle and ruined everything all over again.
Looking down at her, he'd forced himself to cool off and realized he was being unfair; he was asking her to take an entire journey in one leap, to unlearn a lifetime's-worth of lessons about her own worthlessness over the course of a single conversation. No one could do that. It was an unreasonable thing to ask.
And so, when he'd finally gathered his wits and perspective enough, he'd said, "You don't have to agree with me. You don't have to agree with my feelings for you. But you have to believe that they're real...and you have to at least consider my side."
Juvia's eyes had gone wide. As they regained their sparkle, he'd refused to break eye contact. Slowly, the rain had stopped, leaving them in the silent hut.
After what felt like years, she'd shakily whispered, "O-okay."
And Gray had known that they were finally, finally getting somewhere.
Quietly and slowly, with their hands intertwined between their chests and their foreheads pressed together, they'd pieced together a fragile plan. They would stay together and be as they had been, but from now on, they were both going to make a concerted effort to be honest and rebuild trust. Gray started by admitting that missing out on Quests with his team had really started to bum him out, and while this seemed to sadden Juvia at first, she admitted after some thought that in being with Gray, she hadn't been nurturing her own friendships with her friends like Gajeel and Meredy. Lucy had also asked for help training her in Water Magic, and Juvia had declined so far even though she was interested in having someone to teach.
Gray had encouraged all of this...and he'd encouraged her to visit Porlyusica, too, when they got home. The old lady was hardly a Mental Healer, but she'd hopefully be able to help them find someone who was, someone objective and removed from the situation who Juvia could talk to openly. One thing which had sunk in fully for Gray over the course of Juvia's heartrending speech was that it was going to take a lot of time, work, and love to get Juvia to a better place. There was no way the two of them could do it alone.
They'd talked and planned until their voices were hoarse...and then they'd not talked for even longer. Juvia once again dropped the "-sama." She let him come to her. She didn't just surrender herself to him the way she had when they had each other before in their cabin, she'd given him even more—in his arms, she'd bared a small and precious part of herself Gray had never even realized she hid from him.
Over the course of the month they spent in that cabin, he'd cherished everything she gave him more than most men could've in twice the amount of time. How they'd managed to deal with that Dark Guild months and months ahead of schedule, he would never understand, because his head had never been less in the game. Neither of them had been able keep their hands off each other for more than an hour when they were alone together.
Neither had been particularly disappointed when that crotchety old landlord refused to give them back any part of their months' rent. Instead, they'd stayed till June was up breaking the place in thoroughly.
"It's payback for him being a jackass to you!" Gray had once playfully defended against her neck, pinning her against the kitchen counter and grinning as she gigglingly scolded him.
He only prayed no one ever took a UV Lacrima to the inside of that place. They'd go blind. He'd taken her on the couch, over it, against the walls, on the counters and tables, and in more positions than he'd previously known existed in that bed. When they returned home, a bunch of people had pointed out that they both looked like they'd lost weight. Gray didn't doubt it, after all the—
"...seriously, none of you know what it's like, every time we travel...OI, STRIPPER, YOU MAYBE WANNA QUIT EYE-FUCKING YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHEN WE'RE IN PUBLIC, YOU GODDAMN PERVERT?!"
The absolute last voice Gray wanted to hear when he was thinking about such great, intimate things yanked him out of his reflections in the most unpleasant of ways. An expression crossed between a scowl and a grimace consumed his features.
"Gray-sama!?" Juvia spluttered, craning her neck to peer at them over her shoulder with wide eyes. She looked half-scolding, half...affected as her cheeks went rose red.
Gray felt his own face grow hot as he turned to glare furiously at the pink-haired, disgusted-and-disgusting-looking bane of his existence.
"Would you keep your voice down, Dragon Boy?! I was not 'eye-fucking' Juvia!" His cheeks burned hotter as an elderly woman passing by shot him a deeply disapproving look.
"The hell you weren't!" Natsu snapped, drawing even more attention. "I could see all your gross, perverted thoughts right there in those droopy eyes of yours!"
"ARGH! So what?!" Gray just wanted this fight to be over, and figured that sort of admitting to what he'd been doing was the quickest way to make that happen. "Can't a guy even look at his girlfriend without pink-haired, flame-brained losers getting involved?!"
"THE HELL YOU JUST CALL ME?!"
"OH, SO YOU'RE DEAF AS WELL AS BRAINLESS, NOW?!"
"THAT'S IT, I'VE HAD IT! YOU'RE DEAD, YOU ICY BAS—"
"That's enough."
Uncharacteristically subdued and uninvolved though Erza's command was, it was enough to have both Natsu and Gray cringing and sweating in fear almost instantly.
"A-aye!" they squeaked, then sighed in relief as she shot them one last glare and clanked away.
"Ah, it always goes this way." Happy folded his little blue sausage arms over his chest and tsked. "If only Gray had kept his perverted eyes on himself, we wouldn't even be talking about this."
"And just how the heck is one supposed to 'keep their eyes on themselves', huh?" Gray growled up at the floating Exceed.
"By not being you, apparently!" he cackled back, Natsu soon joining him in his obnoxious guffawing.
"Why, you—! Get back here, you little shit!" Gray made a random grab at the little creep only to curse as he missed his tail by about a centimeter.
Meanwhile, Juvia clasped her still-red cheeks with her hands and donned an all-too-familiar, starry-eyed expression. "Juvia does not mind at all if Gray-sama...covets Juvia in public! How Juvia adores Gray-sama's passion!"
Gray flinched as if he'd been whipped in the back. In a second flat, he was blushing again. "O-oi, Juvia—!" he started, scrambling to find a way to get her to calm down before she came onto him in public.
(Again.)
"However," she continued before he figured out how to distract her, turning to look at him with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. "If Gray-sama is going to covet Juvia on a public street, Juvia thinks he should at least wear clothes."
"Wha—?! CRAP!" Gray shouted as soon as he realized he'd stripped down to his boxers. "When did that happen!?"
Juvia wrinkled her nose cutely and giggled while he scrambled for his clothes. When he was finally yanking his jacket on, he shot her a playful glare only for his lips to quirk when she winked and sauntered after Erza.
That little...she'll get it later, he thought with a huff before shoving his hands in his pockets and strolling after her. He was well aware that he was full-on grinning, now, and didn't care in the slightest.
Little interactions like that...those were the fruits of all the hard work they—especially Juvia—had done when they got back from that S-Class mission. Gray had been prepared for it to be grueling and difficult, to fight. "Relationships take work" was a piece of advice he'd heard plenty, since he started asking for advice about how to love Juvia.
But what he'd never expected to find was that, while it was hard sometimes, it was work he was all too willing and capable of doing, because it was for her. For them. And what no one had told him was that, while loving someone meant their pain became yours, it also meant that their triumphs became yours, too.
Some days had been worse than others. Even though she'd been talking to a friend of Porlyusica's and made an impressive effort to spend more times with her friends, there were moments where Gray had felt like Juvia was back at square one. But he'd been there beside her, encouraging her every step of the way while she healed, learned that he wouldn't leave her again, learned that she was worth all of it. And slowly but surely, she'd healed.
That was what no one had told him: that every time she huffed at him to do his own laundry, teased him, sassed him into taking her on a real date, and even turned him down for sex, that he would feel such a huge rush of pride and triumph.
It was true that the road had been hard, but Gray had walked it with Juvia, and that had made every step worth it.
o(O)o
AN: Ah, sorry I don't have the time to edit this now and make it more cohesive! Also that I can't publish my next chapter of Chasing Tails just yet! I definitely, definitely will come back to edit this piece one day and make it better after I've done that. In the meantime, Happy Belated Gruvia Day!
P.S.: Fun Fact! I named this partly after one of my all-time favorite fics from a completely different fandom. The Hard Road by wthtonibelle, a Kacchako fic (from the My Hero Academia fandom) which is written in a similar way and has similar themes, only it's longer and better lol. check it out if you're so inclined!
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connan-l · 1 year ago
Text
Colorful
Fandom: Natsume's Book of Friends Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply Relationship: Morinaga Souko/Natsume Reiko Summary: So many colors suited the forest girl that Souko couldn't assign a single one to her. Words: 7,123 Link: AO3 | Fanfiction.net
Notes: Believe it or not, I actually started writing this in 2018, and for some reason was never able to complete it lol. But I got so excited with the announcement of season 7 that I decided it was a good time to finish this, before we get to see those chapters get adapted.
Find out Reiko and Souko’s story still makes me cry even 5 years later, and I can’t wait to bawl about them once they’re animated!
* * *
People were always surprised when Souko told them she didn’t like the color blue.
It wasn’t like she hated it, but she just wasn’t very fond of it.
She liked green, yellow, purple, red — vivacious pigments that felt alive, cheery; hues that a child would love to use to paint one of his drawings.
Blue was just sad.
The watery tint of the deep sea, the cold tint of winter.
Souko loved assigning colors to people. She saw her father as a vibrant red, and her mother — from the little she remembered of her — as a soft purple. Her uncle was golden, her aunt orange, her grandmother green.
So although she didn’t hate it, a part of her always felt disappointed ‘blue’ was the color people associated with her the most — simply because it was what she’d been named after.
Sometimes, Souko thought it was a funny twist of fate, for her to bear the name of a color she only connected to sadness; a warped prediction of what her life would look like after she fell ill.
No one who met her after she got sick would believe it, but she actually used to be a very energetic child. Back then, she could spend the entire day running around and climbing to trees and playing all sorts of games outside with other kids, giving her father a hundred of panic attacks.
All of that crumbled away when her heart started to malfunction two years ago, and suddenly her whole body began to fall apart without her control.
It had been gradual. Slow and excruciating.
She barely noticed the first signs; the shaking in her hands, her frequent headaches, her legs incapable of walking or running for very long. One day on her way to school, she passed out — and just like that, she spent the following year practically unable to get out of bed.
Her life then withered away.
She couldn’t do any of the things she liked anymore, couldn’t go to school anymore, couldn’t see anyone but her family.
She stopped running and playing outside, and she stopped gardening, and she stopped cooking.
She didn’t really had any friends, as the shy girl she’d always been, but she’d still managed to have some decent relationships with some kids at school, at least.
Now she didn’t even had that anymore.
She withered, drowning away in a bottomless cerulean sea, and for a long, long time, nothing seemed to really matter anymore.
During those endless days, there was only two things she could do: read, which she took the habit of doing since then, and stare at her window. Her bedroom was in front of their garden, so she had a direct sight on the many colorful flowers her mother had planted there long ago, and that Souko had continued to take care of since then. But most of the times, it wasn’t the rainbow of flowers she would stare at, but the blue of the sky — getting lost in its infinity, her heart heavy with anguish and anger at her own life.
Dad had told her, once, that the reason why they named her ‘Souko’ was because she’d been born during a day with a completely clear blue sky. No clouds, no shade of gray, no sun; only blue and blue and blue, as far as the eye could see.
But as Souko kept staring at that same sky, the only thing she could think about was how profoundly empty that blue looked.
* * *
With the help of medications and reeducation, she slowly started to get better — but the doctors were unequivocal on the fact that she would never be able to move like she used to.
She had to limit her gestures, her outings, her breathing; she couldn’t run anymore, or barely so. She was getting better, but she still felt like she was imprisoned within her own body; a bird unable to get out of a cage of its own making.
But the worst wasn’t really any of this. It all weighted heavily on her, of course; but she could bear that. She didn’t really have a choice. The burden her illness had taken on her family, however, was another thing entirely.
The Morinaga household was constituted of only Souko and her father since her mother’s death when she was little, but her uncle and aunt lived nearby and were practically part of their home since as long as she could remember. Dad was very close to his brother, and so her uncle was almost like a third parent to Souko, always having been deeply involved in her life.
Thus her illness had repercussions not only on her father, but on her uncle, her aunt and the whole family. Everyone was always so tense whenever they came to see her, obvious tight smiles and stiff shoulders as they looked at her; and through the months she’d heard hundreds of arguments between her father and grandmother, between the two brothers, between most of her relatives, all about the same topics. What to do with her condition, with her treatment’s cost, with everything else.
Even Dad stopped looking at her like he used to, and instead a pained expression spread across his face every time his eyes met hers. She felt more like a poor little wounded animal he pitied than like his daughter.
That was the hardest part. The idea that not only her body was getting torn apart, but her family did as well — and that it was all her fault.
She couldn’t stand it. It made her want to run away.
Find a place far away; cut from all of her problems, where she wouldn’t have to worry about anything, and where she wouldn’t worry anyone.
A place to be all alone.
And then one night after dinner, Dad approached her with an awkward smile and addressed her in a gentle, careful voice:
"The other day the doctor made me an offer... I thought about it and it could be a good opportunity. He said that… to help with your convalescence, we could move to the countryside.”
At first, Souko wasn’t sure what to think of it.
Truthfully, she didn’t want to move.
She knew nothing at all about the small town where her dad wanted to go, and going there would mean losing all of the landmarks she’d known her whole life. It meant leaving their house where she grew up. Uncle and Auntie. Mom’s grave from a few meters away in the cemetery. Her school.
Souko might not have had any friends here, she still didn’t want to lose the relationships she had with the people of her hometown — and she didn’t want to have to make the effort to form new bonds with strangers.
The very idea made her stomach twist with anxiety. But she couldn’t turn Dad down; not when she knew he also probably didn’t want to move either, and that he only proposed that for her sake.
So against all of her better instincts, Souko agreed.
* * *
She couldn’t manage to assign any color to the forest girl.
No matter how hard she tried to, none of the choices — none of the different tints and shades and hues — seemed to fit her.
Or, rather, all of them fitted her.
The girl — her match companion, the teenager she’d met hidden within the deepest parts of the woods, like a rare, delicate diamond — was the most beautiful and fascinating person Souko had ever seen; ephemeral like a ghost, flippant like a cat and fluttering like a butterfly.
Her long silver hair seemed to change color with the sunlight; turning white or golden or purple contingent on the sky’s whims.
Souko blurted that out, once, without thinking much about it beforehand; and then regretted it right away, because of how childish it sounded.
The girl just laughed.
“Purple?” She repeated, and Souko felt herself blush. “Really?”
“B-Because, look… Your hair is so light, so it take on the dusk’s color. And when dusk turns orange, or pink, then your hair also…”
“Is that so.”
The girl looked over at the horizon, which was indeed starting to take on a mauve tint. For a moment, her companion seemed contemplative; then finally, she turned towards her again and grinned.
“Well, what do you think? Is purple my color?”
Souko felt the scarlet of her cheeks deepens even more, but she was able to muster the courage to actually reply truthfully: “I think every color is your color. You look pretty in everything.”
And that was true, too.
Souko could imagine her in red, pink, purple, orange, black and white — and that girl, her mysterious nameless acquaintance of the forest, would be just as wonderful and breathtaking as ever.
She would look beautiful and full of life even in blue.
Souko had never seen a person like that before, so radiant and mesmerizing that her eyes couldn’t stop staring at her, that her mind couldn’t help but think of her almost all the time.
For a very brief moment, the girl looked slightly taken aback; but she quickly seemed to get over it and simply smiled back at her.
The girl was always smiling.
It was a little disconcerting, sometimes — and it wasn’t that Souko didn’t like seeing her smile, but she just wished that smile looked actually genuine.
Once I’ll win, she swore to herself.
Once I’ll win, I’ll make her give me her name. I’ll make her become my friend — and then I’ll be able to make her smile for real.
* * *
“Oh, the candy’s blue.”
“Isn’t it pretty?”
“Yeah. Like the blue of Souko.”
Her voice resounded in her mind even long after the two of them parted way.
She couldn’t stop thinking about the manner she’d said her name. Softly, fleetingly, lost in the wind, like no one but the girl herself had been supposed to hear it.
The blue of Souko.
Souko had never been fond of her name. She’d never really liked the color blue.
And now, after all she’d been through, the only thing it managed to evoke to her was the emptiness of the sky as she looked through her room’s window stuck in her bed.
That was all the blue of Souko was to her.
But when the girl spoke it… When she said her name so softly, so longingly, Souko couldn’t help but love it.
The girl was a little like a fairy, Souko thought; an otherworldly being who seemed to be able to transform every bad aspects of her life into something magical.
Her name sounded beautiful when she said it. That town in the countryside seemed so fun now that she started spending time with her. Her new home, her tense family, her unfamiliar school and classmates — everything seemed bearable now that she had that girl by her side.
Even the color blue would surely feel warm and vivacious, if her secret companion started wearing some of it.
Before meeting the forest girl, Souko had simply not been able to feel at home anywhere in that town.
It wasn’t like people here weren’t welcoming — at the contrary, everyone was quite nice to her, but Souko still hadn’t been able to shake off the feeling that she simply didn’t belong. She’d always been a timid girl, but suddenly moving here while cutting all ties to her old life, added to the months she’d spent completely isolated from the world because of her illness, made her feel like she’d lost all of her social skills. She could barely handle normal conversations with the other kids, or with the townsfolk — always feeling like people were staring at her, judging her, monitoring her every moves. And even when she was alone, she couldn’t stand to be at her house either, in that unfamiliar place.
That was why coming in the middle of that forest, away from any form of life, away from her family and other people, was the only time that had finally made her feel a little comfortable — and that despite the fact this place had a strange ominous aura and sometimes gave her headaches.
And then she met the girl. The time she spent by her side, chatting idly and having silly matches and laughing together about nothing made her the happiest and most free she’d felt in months. Not since she fell ill.
The girl wasn’t always nice; she could be quite prickly and cold, and it wasn’t like Souko didn’t think that girl was... strange. Truthfully, she could be a little unsettling, or even scary sometimes. Occasionnally, she would just say weird things out of nowhere, or stared past Souko’s shoulder as if she was seeing someone behind her, or dragged her away from a place as if she was trying to run from something.
Something Souko couldn’t see.
(And, sometimes, Souko almost had the impression there really was something else with them, and that it wasn’t just the two of them in the middle of these woods.)
But even so, despite all of this, Souko still didn’t think she could, or wanted to, stop seeing the girl.
At least, she treated Souko like a normal person. She never walked on eggshells around her, even after she’d learned she was sick. And even with all her prickliness, Souko could tell that she had a kind heart, buried behind her sharp gaze and barbed comments. She wouldn’t have let Souko stay by her side otherwise.
The girl and those meetings were so odd, so detached from everything in her life — that sometimes Souko almost felt like she was hallucinating them. Like she was doing some forbidden rituals with a witch, and not just playing childish games.
There was only ever the two of them in that forest, after all — no one else here to confirm the real from the surreal.
Her rendez-vous with the forest girl was the most exciting part of her day, and she spent the whole time thinking about what new games they would play next.
Wishing that today would finally be the day she win — would be the day she finally earn her name.
Earn the right to be her friend.
“Are you going out again?”
Her father stopped her just as she was about to leave the house, and Souko startled. “Ah, yes…”
A worried look crossed his face. “Souko… I’m glad you seem to be so happy, lately — really, but… You need to be more careful. Your body is still…”
“I know,” Souko said, maybe a little more forcefully than she intended. Of course she knew her body was still frail. It was her body, after all — she understood the consequences of its weakened state better than anyone. “I’m careful, Dad, I promise. You don’t need to worry.”
But of course, that was probably a meaningless thing to say. Her father would always worry regardless of what she said.
“…Is that a friend that you see like that every day?” He asked. “I know you said you’ve been getting along better with your classmates lately…”
Souko opened her mouth, then hesitated a little.
She still hadn’t said anything to her father about the forest girl. She hadn’t said anything about her to anyone, period.
She wasn’t really sure why.
She’d told Dad about the classmates she’d started to talk to — they weren’t really friends yet, but they were nice, and Souko would like to become closer.
That, too, was thanks to the forest girl, in a way. It wasn’t like she had encouraged to talk to others or anything, but being able to have normal conversations with someone her age after having been isolated for so long had managed to cheer Souko up and make her feel braver.
The girl always looked so strong and confident, after all; solid as a rock, standing tall among the trees. Souko always felt like nothing could ever hurt or reach her.
So she’d thought that if she wanted to be worthy of befriending the forest girl, then she should try to befriend the more approachable kids at her school first.
But her classmates were different from the girl, and so Souko felt that she couldn’t simply tell Dad about her like she would with a normal classmate. Maybe she wanted to become friends with her for real before telling him — or maybe… maybe she just wanted to keep her as a secret. For now.
Something only Souko knew about.
Her father had still noticed the changes, though, and he looked simultaneously happy and worried about them. He’d already been very concerned from the start, when Souko went back to school, and then about the fact he could tell his daughter had clearly struggled to fit in at their new place. And now he clearly wasn’t happy about her escapades after school; didn’t like her going outside to play around in the forest. Souko sympathized with his feelings, knew that he was only worried for her; but it had been the best she’d felt in such a long time, and she wasn’t about to let that go.
Dad said nothing for a moment, then narrowed his eyes at Souko — and only when she noticed his suspicious look did she realizes that she was blushing.
“…Is that person you’re seeing a boy?”
“Wha— N-No! I-It’s not like that… we’re just…”
Her father laughed a little, and waved his hand. “Sorry, that’s none of my business. But you don’t need to be embarrassed about it, you know. It’s normal, at your age.”
“I-It’s really not like that…”
And it’s not a boy.
But Dad didn’t seem he would believe her no matter what she could say, so Souko felt it would be pointless to argue further. Instead, she went to her rendez-vous spot with the forest girl, and as usual they played together, Souko lost, and then they talked for a while. At some point, the girl took her hand and dragged her somewhere else. Her hand was rugged, and her skin sturdy — but it felt warm.
Souko wished she could keep holding her hand forever.
Maybe Dad isn’t entirely wrong, she thought then, looking at the girl’s pretty long hair flowing in the wind, her heart skipping a beat at the sight.
If she were a boy, maybe I would fall in love with her.
It would be so easy to fall for her. She was so beautiful and strong and fun. Souko was certain most boys at her school must be crushing on her.
(She’d inadvertently said this, one day, and to her utter surprise the girl bursts out laughing ; so hard she had to hold her stomach, and Souko had never seen her laugh so loudly and for so long before.
“No way!” She’d exclaimed after calming down. “Boys don’t like me, at all.”
“H-Huh?” Souko let out. She didn’t think she would lie about this, but she heavily doubted that was true. Maybe no one ever confessed to her, but there was just no way not a single person had at least some feelings for someone as charming as her.
The girl grinned, her green eyes boring straight into Souko’s. “I scare them. Well, to be honest, I don’t really like boys either.”
Souko didn’t know why, but at these words her cheeks flushed and she felt a small warmth of hope bloom in her chest.)
Late in the evening, when Souko came home, the first thing she did was going out in the garden, just as twilight was starting to set.
The place was still barren. Back at their old home, they used to have a garden with a lot of colorful flowers — hibiscus, daisies, orchids, tulips, marigolds… Her mother’s flowers, that Souko loved to take care of; the first thing she would see upon waking up, a rainbow of delicate, shiny petals. In their new house, a lot of things were different, but Dad had made a point to get her a bedroom where she could see the garden too, just because he knew how much Souko had liked it before.
She finally wanted to start feeling at home here, too. So maybe she could start by planting some flowers. Dad would probably like that as well — he’d loved their flowers too.
One day — after she’ll finally be able to learn the forest girl’s name and become her friend, Souko will invite her to her home and introduce her father to her.
Show her her flower garden.
But in the meantime, the forest girl would stay her little secret — something that was hers and hers only.
* * *
One of Souko’s new favorite things was when she was able to surprise the girl.
She always thought a lot about the types of games she could propose to her — even asked her uncle and dad to give her some new ideas. And every day, it felt like the girl was surprised to still find her here in the forest with a new challenge. Almost like she expected her to suddenly stop coming any time now.
How silly, Souko thought. There’s no way I’ll ever stop coming to see you, even if I wanted to.
But even so, she’d never seen the girl as shocked as when she decided to show up one day with lunch boxes in her hands.
“What’s this?” She asked in a bewildered tone, her pale green eyes pinned on Souko like a cat’s.
“Lunch.”
“I can see that,” the girl snapped back sharply, but by now Souko was used to her curtness. She could be a little mean sometimes in her way of speaking, but Souko had come to learn it wasn’t necessarily because she was annoyed. “I was asking why you brought this here— and why you brought two of these.”
Souko flushed a little, but still didn’t let go of the girl’s eyes.
“Well, I… I was just thinking, that you often seems hungry when we meet, and also, how you’re very thin, and so— I just thought that maybe you should just eat a little more. There’s meat in there, and…”
The girl narrowed her eyes at her. “Who do you think you are? My mom?”
Souko blushed even further, and looked away. That did seems a little silly and pretentious to bring that girl a lunch out of the blue, when she put it into words like that. But she couldn’t help it, and— truthfully, Souko had started to get quite worried about her.
It was often that the girl’s belly would suddenly start gurgling in the middle of one their matches, and Souko had noticed how she seemed much lighter than a girl her age should be (absolutely not because Souko was staring her at a little too much, of course; that had nothing to do with this). She’d once asked her if she was eating enough — and then the girl had snorted, rolling her eyes. But she hadn’t replied. So Souko thought, that she could…
But maybe it had been rude of her to do. Just as she was about to apologize though, the girl suddenly grabbed her lunch box and chopsticks, and Souko barely had the time to turns her head towards her that she saw her open the box and starts digging in.
“What?” The girl shot back, catching her staring. “You did say it was for me, right?”
Souko smiled, and nodded enthusiastically. “Y-Yes, of course!”
And so she quietly watched her eat away the whole meal with a smile she couldn’t quite manage to hide. She didn’t even left a single crumb — which on the one hand, Souko was happy about, but on the other it definitely had her more concerned, because that seemed to confirm the fact she truly didn’t get enough to eat at her house.
Souko could never brings herself to ask, but she has the distinct feeling that things were… not great at home, for the girl.
To start with, it was strange for a teenager to hang out in a forest so far away like this. The girl always seemed to be all alone, too; and she was spending so much time here… it didn’t seem like she had any other friends. Much like Souko. But much more worrisome was the fact that she was often hurt. Souko frequently caught glimpse of scratches, bandages, and bruises covering her body. Some of them might be because of her playing around in the woods — and Souko had absolutely seen her doing a lot of reckless things that would get her injured — but…
Others must have been made by someone, Souko was pretty sure.
She tried to ask her a couple of times about her family, but the girl always brushed her asides and changed the topic when she did. Even Souko talked to her sometimes about her father and her uncle and her family, but the girl would never say anything back about herself. She clearly didn’t want to talk about her life at home. So Souko respected that — even if she didn’t like it.
She didn’t want to jump to conclusion about things she couldn’t possibly know either, but… she still worried.
“H-How was it?” Souko decided to ask, trying to stop thinking about such morose things.
“Hm? Oh, good. It was really good.”
Souko beamed. “Really?”
“Why would I lie about that?”
“Hehe, that’s true. Thank you! I’m so glad you like it.”
The girl actually stared at her and lifted an eyebrow at her words. “‘Thank you”?”
“Ah… I’m the one who made that.”
She had woken up earlier this morning specifically to prepare it, following her mother’s old recipe. Dad had been so surprised to see her in the kitchen — it had been the first time she cooked anything since she got sick. Until now, he’d been the one taking care of most of the cooking — or sometimes it was her aunt, when she was home.
Souko had forgotten how much fun cooking actually was.
She used to do it quite frequently back then, but then stopped after she got sick, just like most of her hobbies — and even now that she was recovering, she hadn't gone back to them. Even though now she could easily try them again without endangering her health. Gardening was the same, too. She wondered if she’d have as much fun gardening, if she did it again now.
It’d be nice if I could do those things with her, too, she had thought this morning while cutting off vegetables. The only things she did with the girl was playing games and talking, but she was sure they’d have fun doing other type of activities together as well. I wonder if she loves cooking and gardening…
The idea made her so happy that she had decided to creates the prettiest lunch box for the girl — as colorful as her old flower garden used to be — putting shades of red and green and pink all over, carving orange carrots in little flowers, putting the yellow egg yolk in the form of a sunflower.
Each color so vivid and lovely, each of them suiting the forest girl.
The memories of this morning made Souko smile, and she was only brought back to the present moment thanks to a strong wind blowing through her short dark hair. She turned her head towards the girl, about to apologize for her absentmindedness, but then stopped.
To her surprise, the girl actually seemed really taken aback, eyes wide and mouth agape. Was she truly that shocked by the fact Souko could cook?
(Or was it because she’d cooked for her, specifically?)
“O-Oh,” the girl stuttered — and for a bewildering, fascinating moment, Souko saw her cheeks reddens slightly.
Is she… blushing?
The moment disappeared as quickly as it appeared, and Souko almost thought she’d made it up, a conjured illusion of her mind. But the scarlet on her otherwise white cheeks, and her embarrassed expression, was engraved inside Souko's heart, and she couldn’t help the wide grin that then spreads on her lips.
Of course, scarlet was just as pretty as any other colors on the girl’s face.
She looked just like a flower herself, in all her silver and green and white and red.
Souko wished she was brave enough to kiss her just then.
Instead, she quietly promised to do everything in her power to see that expression on her face once again.
* * *
She couldn’t even remember how she managed to get home, that evening.
Her head wouldn’t stop pounding, so much that she was unable to think. Her body was so heavy that every step felt like torture. Her heart seemed like a dead weight inside her chest; a burden pulling her down and down.
She felt just like that day she’d collapsed for the first time, two years ago; the day that marked the start of the end of her normal life. The only lucid thing she could register was her voice, echoing inside her skull again and again and again.
“Reiko. My name is Reiko Natsume.”
“Go away.”
“You look pale. It’s starting to rain, so you should go home.”
“You should go home.”
Souko knew she should never have gone home the moment she turned around. She knew she should have stayed; that she should have kept talking to her — her forest girl, her ghost of an acquaintance; the lovely, strange, colorful person she fell in love with.
But her voice had been so cold, when she told her to go away.
Her eyes were blank and sharp at the same time, so different from the way she usually looked at her, and Souko couldn’t stand to see that.
And she just hadn’t… she had never even expected that she could be…
It made sense, if she really thought about it; what other teenage girl would spend all her time alone in the forest, but the rumored weird delinquent from the neighboring town?
But Souko had never thought of her like that until now; both seemed so unrelated in her mind, and she felt so shocked she hadn’t been able to properly process it.
And now her duel partner had already vanished, like a mirage of the woods, like she’d never existed at all.
Souko had taken her name, and then nothing of the girl was left.
Now she was all alone in the rain, and the blue of the sky had faded away, replaced with nothing but a foggy, looming gray.
Souko’s steps vacillated, and her head still hammering, she fell on the ground.
She’d finally won, after training for so long — she finally knew her name — and yet she still wasn’t… still couldn’t be her friend.
She needed to go back, she needed to apologize, she needed to talk to her—
But the sound of the rain and the coldness of Reiko Natsume’s voice were the only thing she could hear before her consciousness slipped away.
* * *
The following days were spent in a blur.
Souko barely even registered her father’s voice or her uncle’s hands or the doctor’s visits. She felt like she was in another dimension, far away from this house, this town, this country.
She felt like she was still stuck in that forest, alone with Reiko, the rest of the world non-existent.
In her dreams, Reiko was here, by her side; pretty in all colors of the rainbow, and she smiled, and laughed, and talked. They played games together, they cooked, they gardened.
In her dreams, Souko apologized. She told her she hadn’t meant to leave, she told her she didn’t care about the rumors about her. She told her that to Souko, she wasn’t a violent scary girl, but a fun, and beautiful, and kind person.
She told her she loved her.
In her dreams, Souko was brave enough to finally kiss her.
But then she opened her eyes, and she was all alone in her bed, and there was only the blue of the sky from her bedroom’s window.
One night, she had a different dream, though.
She felt like she heard someone crying, and then Reiko was there, blue petals falling over her hair and uniform.
As she woke up, Souko couldn’t remember what the dream had been about.
* * *
It took her three whole days before she was able to stand again.
Dad and Uncle were relieved, but Souko couldn’t share any of their enthusiasm. She still felt sick, but insisted nevertheless to go back to school. She couldn’t really bring herself to talk to anyone there though, even as her classmates fussed about her health; her mind focused on only one single person — and as soon as the day ended, she ran towards the forest, towards their usual rendez-vous spot.
(She knew she shouldn’t run, she was still coughing, she still felt so weak — but she couldn’t help it.
She had to see Reiko again, as quickly as possible.)
“Reiko?” She exclaimed upon arriving, but there was no one else.
There's no one yet, Souko reminded herself, trying to stay positive. I’m still early. She could come later.
“Reiko!”
She repeated her name for a while — and couldn’t help but think that if only the circumstances were different, she would feel so proud over it.
To have finally been able to learn her name, to be able to call it out like that.
But that didn’t matter much if no one was there to respond to it. To call Souko back.
I don’t even know how it’s written, she thought.
She tried to think of all the combinations of characters to write ‘Reiko’ that could fit her the most, but just like with colors, she couldn’t decide upon a single one. All of them could suit her.
She would have to ask her about it, next time she saw her.
At least she felt pretty certain on how to spell ‘Natsume.’
All-seeing eyes of the summer, the season of ghosts and spirits.
Souko sat at their usual place.
She waited.
She kept staring left and right, attentive to every sound; trying to catch the slightest glimpse of a silver thread.
But by the time dusk came, there was still no one.
She was still all alone.
* * *
Souko stopped talking to her classmates.
A few days after her last encounter with Reiko, she’d asked the girl from her class who’d first told her about the violent high schooler from next town if she knew anything else — but she’d ended up getting into an argument with her. Her classmates had always been very nice up until now, but as soon as she started asking about Reiko Natsume, they completely changed tune and started spewing all those terrible things about her — that she was a violent delinquent, that she was crazy, that she hurt people.
Souko couldn’t help but defend her. Her classmates had never even met Reiko — what did they know about her? But everyone refused to listen to her. They almost all had a specific creepy or terrible anecdote about Reiko Natsume; she hit my cousin, she talked to trees, she burned down a shop — I tell you, that Natsume girl is bad news! C’mon, Morinaga, why do you even want to associate with someone like that? — and so Souko stopped talking to them.
She didn’t mind. She had no intention to keep hanging around such judgmental people who spoke badly of someone purely because of some rumors they’d heard.
She herself felt so ashamed, to have simply believed those hearsay and repeated them thoughtlessly. She had believed she was doing the right thing by warning Reiko about a potentially dangerous person, because she cared about her and didn’t want anything to happen to her — but she couldn’t even imagine how Reiko must have felt hearing this. How badly Souko must have hurt her. And then, when she’d learned her name, Souko had just run away…
She wouldn’t be surprised if Reiko never wanted to see her again.
But even so, she couldn’t just leave things like that. She had to apologize, at least — she had to tell her that she… she didn’t think any of that, about her.
So she tried to ask around about Reiko, tried to find out if anyone knew where she could live, what school she went to — but whenever she did, she only received vague, uncertain answers. Reiko Natsume was a weird orphan who kept being passed around among families like an unwanted stray, so it was hard to keep track of where she was.
Nobody wanted her, and nobody tried to know anything about her.
She's just a poor crazy girl, was the kindest thing one could hear on her behalf.
The more Souko learned about Reiko Natsume, the less it made sense.
This weird, insane, violent girl was nothing at all like the girl she’d gotten to know. Her Reiko could be a little cold, and a little too blunt, but she was nice, and fun, and amazing. It was like two entirely different people sharing the same name. Souko couldn’t even begin to comprehend how anyone would say such awful things about her.
In the end, she wasn’t able to find anything more about her, and so she had no other choice but to go back to the forest, and wait. Which she did, day after day, even against her family’s protests, even when it rained, even when her health kept deteriorating.
She continued waiting alone.
But sometimes, just sometimes, she felt like she could feel another presence.
Like a ghost sitting by her side, waiting with her, sharing in her lost love and her sadness.
Souko thought back to the legends she’d heard about the forest from her classmates; the strange things Reiko would do sometimes — the stares behind her shoulder, dragging her away forcefully just because a branch had snapped, the way she’d gotten startled during their last match, as if she had been distracted by something…
Maybe Souko wasn’t so alone, after all.
Maybe there truly was someone else by her side, someone she couldn’t see.
Maybe if Reiko had seemed so radiant and vibrant, that was because she actually was able to see another world: a world full of new colors, invisible to others.
Souko found comfort at the idea; that she truly had a companion to share her feelings — her pain — with, even if only a little.
* * *
It was during a day with a completely clear blue sky when she had that dream again.
Souko had stopped being able to go to school a while ago, and thus at the same time she stopped being able to go to the forest as well — the first one she didn’t care about anymore, but the second was more troubling.
She didn’t really think Reiko would come back by now — but she still kept coming there, just in case, like a last prayer.
She wondered if her companion she couldn’t see would feel lonely now that she wouldn’t be there anymore. She wondered if they would miss her.
Where could Reiko be now? Was she still sleeping in a forest, talking to creatures only she could sees?
Was she still all alone?
Souko wished wherever she was, it was far, far away from all those people who spoke and treated her so badly. She wished she was able to find a friend, someone who would love her for the person she truly was and would stand by her side no matter what — even if that person couldn’t be Souko.
Her father was in the living room now, sleeping. He had spent the whole night crying, no matter how much Souko had tried to comfort him.
She wished she could find the right words for him — tell him that she was fine, that her life had still been full of wonders and happiness despite all the suffering, that he’d been a wonderful father — but they both knew there was nothing she could do that would soothe his pain. She wished she could apologize to him, for leaving him all alone just like Mom did, but she didn’t even have the energy to do so anymore. The rest of the family — her uncle and aunt and grandmother — should arrive tonight, and Souko hoped they’ll be able to do a better job than her at comforting him.
She looked up from her bed, at the window in front of her.
The large sky spread wide before her, and it was so deep and blue, and Souko wondered if this was how it looked the day she was born — the day her parents decided to name her after the saddest of all colors.
Although Souko had stopped finding blue as sad as she used to. Now when she thought of blue, she thought of the way Reiko used to say her name so gently, of the blue candy in her palm, of the blue flowers she saw in a dream that she couldn’t remember.
The blue of Souko.
From here, she could also see the barren garden — in the end, she hadn’t been able to plant anything there. She closed her eyes, slowly, and tried to picture the colorful flowers she would’ve liked to put there, the ones she wished she could’ve shown to Reiko.
As her mind drifted away, she heard someone crying.
A gentle voice, from a gentle presence.
Souko smiled, because she knew that presence; it was the same person — the same creature — that had kept her company all this time, while she was waiting for a girl she loved that would never come.
Like with her father, she wished she could comfort them, but nothing came to her mind.
However, as she kept straying farther and farther away from reality, a sight suddenly opened up to her eyes.
She’s in a meadow.
A flower field with blue, blue, blue petals everywhere — fluttering, dancing, as far as the eye can see.
And here, in the middle of the blue flowers, all alone, is her forest girl.
Tears wells up in Souko’s eyes, but she smiles, big and wide — and do the one thing she wishes she could’ve done months ago: she calls out her name.
“Reiko.”
The girl she loves turns around, and as her green eyes melt upon recognition, she has the most beautiful and genuine smile Souko has ever seen.
All the colors of the sky, of the forest and of the meadow gets reflected in her long silver hair, and blue has never looked so joyful.
* * *
Note: The first time I read those chapters, I didn’t even realize that Soranome implied Souko died at the end until someone pointed it out, and I can’t stop thinking about how terribly sad it is. I suppose one could argue maybe Souko just moved at the end and that’s why she stopped coming, but it doesn’t seem likely with the way Soranome phrased it. At least with Reiko, there’s a chance she was loved and happy for a while with the grandfather and then with her daughter afterwards, even if she still ended up losing them at the end. But Souko never got that chance. I only take comfort with the idea she had a loving family who took care of her. (And yes, if anyone’s wondering, I decided she was raised by a single father as a parallel to Tanuma.) But it’s also terrible there seems to be some implications that if Reiko had stayed then Souko wouldn’t have died, given it seemed to be the youkai of the forest that amplified her illness (much like how Tanuma has gotten healthier since meeting Natsume).
I went back and forth about the idea of Souko cutting ties with her classmates in the aftermath of her losing Reiko, because that also felt a little mean to her, but I honestly think she wouldn’t have tolerated anyone speaking badly of Reiko and would feel guilty for listening to the rumors.
I want to try writing something else less sad about them, but truthfully I really love the tragedy of their story haha. Still, maybe I’ll give them a silly little happy ending one day.
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bookishfeylin · 2 years ago
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Hii bookish! There's scene where feyre saw children's books from tamlin's study anf she thought it might be from his childhood or probably for alis' nephews. Though we never saw them discussing about it. Can I request that you'll write a prompt about this? Take your time and take care!!
Nonny you asked this like MONTHS ago and I'm so sorry this got away from me. I love receiving prompts so feel free to send another as I get back into writing lol but at any rate here is the longggggggg awaited prompt!
~~~
Feyre let her fingers linger on each book she passed in Tamlin’s study, slowing as she entered a familiar aisle. A smile teased her lips as she crouched down, looking for the book she knew she’d left here yesterday. Learning to read hasn’t been easy, but… she was coming along. Slowly but surely.
After several minutes of searching, Feyre finally found the text she was looking for—a book called The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe that Tamlin told her was a story his mother had read with him every night as a child—and, eager to resume reading, she grabbed the book and looked for her favorite corner of the study.
It was crazy, Feyre supposed, just how quickly she’d come to make Rosehall home. But she’d only just settled down in a plush armchair and cocooned herself in a blanket when she was interrupted by the sound of heavy bootsteps coming her way.
Realizing who it was—only a certain High Lord's footfalls sounded that heavy—Feyre rolled her eyes and returned to her book, deciding to let him come to her.
And come to her Tamlin did, rounding the corner in front of Feyre with crossed arms and a raised brow. “Where have you been all day?”
Feyre gestured around the study. “Here. Reading. Since you decided to neglect me I had to entertain myself.”
“Neglect you?” Tamlin said, stepping closer with a playful grin.
“You left me all by myself—”
“I literally begged you to come join the meeting and not force me to get through that without your company, love—”
“And now you cut me off,” Feyre pouted, crossing her arms and turning away from him.
Laughing, Tamlin stepped closer, attempting to take her into his arms even as she pulled away. “Feyre…”
Feyre refused to meet his eyes, feigning anger over the oh-so-horrible slight of his having to run a government, but eventually allowed him to encircle his arms around her and pick her up. Feyre continued looking away from him, refusing to meet his gaze, until he kissed her over and over between quiet, half-hearted apologies.
Then: “Never leave me alone again.”
Tamlin chuckled again, holding Feyre as he slowly began to walk away from her armchair and back towards the study's entrance. “I’ll do my best, love, but you could make it easier by not hiding in the furthest corner of the children's section of my study.”
“You could make it easier for me by simply not having a children's section and distributing these books throughout the study instead of confining them to some corner. Perhaps you could organize your books by subject rather than age?”
“Hmm. No.”
Feyre let out a small laugh before leaning into the crook of Tamlin's shoulder as he carried her out of the study, and ignored the stares from servants wondering why their High Lord was carrying around his lover yet again when she was neither ill nor injured.
It wasn’t until they’d reached their bedroom, though, that Feyre had truly thought over Tamlin's response, and after putting her book down on the bed she turned to him with a frown. “Why do you have a children's section in your library, Tamlin? They’re convenient for me to learn to read with, but I’m certain you don’t exactly need them.”
“Nostalgia,” he mumbled, slowly unwinding her from her blanket. “My mother read those to me when I was a child, and I suppose I’d hoped that one day… one day I could do the same to any children I had.”
“We'll have,” Feyre corrected, leaning forward to pull him into her lap. “One day.”
“One day far from now,” Tamlin finished, capturing her lips as he lowered her down to the bed.
One day far from now. It was a vow, and a hope, and a promise of their future together, a future Feyre hadn’t even let herself consider Under the Mountain. One day they’d start a family. And the study, Feyre was certain, was going to need many, many more children's books when they did.
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the1975attheirverybest · 1 year ago
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It is true that i need to learn to learn to stand to lose too because i was a 'gifted kid' and i dont think i need to say how scared i am of coming out as 'talentless' lol
I think a big part of it is also that i dont feel very supported? Which i think is partly my fault because i know my family doesnt really understand any artistic medium and none of my friends are in the music field and dont really get why im dping this if im not studying music (which is actually so silly to think because why do i have to stick to only one form of art?)
In lighter terms, ive been writhing a lot lately and felt quite proud of some stuff i came out with, and finished one i cry everytime i play so i was quite happy with how i could capture it out.
Its so scary to let people see how you think but ill try to work on it, thanks halla for taking the time to respond to this, i really really appreciate it 💕
-🤖
Ohhhh babeee. I get that believe me 💗💗 I’m a scholarship kid who got into the Ivy leagues (if you’re not in the US: Harvard, Stanford, MIT, UPenn etc) but then had a mental breakdown and almost got kicked out of the program. Believe me, I know how you feel. the perfectionism is a blessing and a curse lmao. I also come from generations of a STEM family who don’t really get the whole literature thing hahahha. Growing up, I was always told “can’t you just….read books as a hobby? Get a degree that pays money!” (Which is fair enough. Unemployment rates for English PhDs is 60% they’re not wrong lmao).
But that’s where I think Matty’s statement, though dramatic, is serially true. Artists who stop making art would go insane. You did not choose this music thing. It chose you. And if you forced yourself to just not do it anymore and try something “safe” that you can excel at easily to scratch that perfectionist need to do everything in the best possible way, then you might be happy for 5 seconds. But you’ll eventually start to miss the music and do anything you can to get back to it. That’s how I feel now about my abandoned degree in creative writing lol. Keep at it. Life is too short to hold back from things that you love just cuz some dumbass out there who can’t get their head out of their ass doesn’t like what you have to say. Good news!! There is soooo much music out there for all sorts of folks and their tastes. The people who like you will choose you and those who don’t can fuck off and go find some music they do like!
Oh hey no thanks necessary. I’m really glad you’re doing this. We need artists all the time. Can never have enough!
Maybe try this: make a song about being scared to make songs for this project and maybe include it in the project? Could be therapeutic? Haha.
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ao3feed-danganronpa · 2 years ago
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Suzuhiko Togamis horrible(and regrettable) Backstory | HIATUS
read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/Dj4TXyd
by daggzfanpage420
READ THIS NOW!!!!
this isnt finished yet but i want to let you know before you read that there will be MANY. sensitive topics such as, murder, rape, torture, cannibalism, vomit, self harm, excessive amounts of detail for most of these topics, pedophilia, grooming, incest, and like i said before theres going to be alot of detail. maybe not so much at first but once i start writing more there will be the reasoning is because i want to make suzuhikos backstory as disturbing as possible well, the amount that i can handle. if you are uncomfy reading any of this dont read it. also i put a scene between suzuhikos mom(michiko) and suzuhiko first so i can get it out of the way. but later on im probably going to write the school day prior so its like an actual book more than a silly fanfiction.
ALSSOOO idk if i said this but i wrote this like atleast a year ago so its kinda bad ill fix it sooner or later but ive been taking a hiatus
Words: 1966, Chapters: 2/?, Language: English
Fandoms: Dangan Ronpa 十神 - 佐藤友哉 | Dangan Ronpa: Togami - Satou Yuuya, Dangan Ronpa Series, Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Characters: suzuhiko togami, suzuhiko ootsuki, koneko ootsuki, michiko togami, Kijo Togami, Shinobu Togami, kazuya togami, atsushi takahashi, chitose takahashi, makomori shukikori
Relationships: suzuhiko togami/koneko ootsuki, suzuhiko togami & koneko ootsuki, suzuhiko togami & michiko togami, suzuhiko togami & kijo togami, suzuhiko togami & shinobu togami, suzuhiko togami & kazuya togami, suzuhiko togami & atsushi takahashi, suzuhiko togami & chitose takahashi, atsushi takahashi & chitose takahashi, suzuhiko togami/makomori shukikori, suzuhiko togami & makomori shukikori
Additional Tags: koneko is an oc but ok, not my oc tho, so is atsushi and chitose, theyre my ocs this time, theres alot of ocs, not everyone in the fanfic is tagged, because im lazy i dont have time for allat, this will probably never get finished, koneko also isnt even mentioned yet my bad, PLEASE READ THE WARNINGS GOOD LORD, dont come at me for making michiko a bad person its not my fault, OK it is, i dont care tho because im not a little bitch, anyways heres the crazy tags to warn you(theyre also in the summary), Murder, Attempted Murder, Rape, Cannibalism, Vomiting, Pedophilia, Grooming, Incest, suzuhikos past life is horrible idk what to tell you, she has dissociative identity disorder so it makes sense, oh yeah that reminds me, transgender suzuhiko, just a little headcanon lol, Transmisogyny, woah bet you didnt see that coming, PLEASE READ THE SUMMARY PLSPSLSLSLSPA, also i can say the t slur dont come for me its said one time
read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/Dj4TXyd
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ppersonna · 5 years ago
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the landlord - myg | m
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↳ summary- your air conditioner breaks right at the height of a recordbreaking heat wave.  good thing your hot landlord, yoongi, knows how to attend to any needs you may have.
↳ rating- explicit / 18+
↳ word count- 4.3k
↳ pairing- yoongi x reader
↳ genre- smut, light crack, PWP
↳ warnings- basically the plot of a porn, theres no plot, the plot doesn’t make sense, seduction, oral sex (m/f receiving), penetrative sex, dirty talk, fun laughing giggly time during sex, honestly yoongi is great and i love him, maybe exhibitionism if u squint ???, cum sharing, finger sucking, motorboating
↳ a/n- did i just write basically the plotline of a bad porno? yes.  did i love it? also yes.  this was lowkey inspired by my own landlord coming over to my place (that i DIDNT SLEEP WITH) and i answered the door in a state of undress :/ i hate myself lol.  anywwayyss! enjoy yoongi the landlord!  pls feel free to interact with me because i need constant attention uwu
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The inside of your apartment feels hotter than the blazing sun outside.  Your air conditioner chose the worst week to fritz on you. A record-breaking heat wave.
Nothing helps.  You open windows, blow fans, sit in front of your fridge, take cold showers. All just momentary bliss that ends too soon.
It finally breaks you and you muster up the courage to text your landlord, Yoongi.  
You inhale a deep breath as you click on the name. Min Yoongi, landlord.  Your eyes flutter shut for a moment without realizing.
Your landlord who lives in the same building as you is likely the hottest and most attractive man you’ve ever met. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t have a crush on the man. Every month, paying rent was torture. You wanted to fling your legs open to him and request he takes his payment another way.
But you never did. He always remained cool and expressionless and it was hard to get a read on the man, let alone see if he’s interested.
Your fingers slide across the keys, nibbling at your lip as you decide what to say.
[to: yoongi] hi! sorry to bother you but my ac appears to have died and im afraid ill be next at the rate of his heat wave 😩 no rush but id appreciate help!
Perfect. Simple, slightly cutesy. Emoji to express how chill you are.
Your phone vibrates almost instantly and a smile curves on your face.
[to: me] oh no, we can’t have that. haunted apartments are hard to rent out 😉 im out until late tonight but i can stop by first thing in the morning if that’s cool?
A flirty line? Is this… working?
[to: yoongi] tomorrow is great! and don’t worry, if i die i won’t haunt this apartment, i’ll haunt yours 😌
[to: me] see you tomorrow, poltergeist 👻
You’re leaping through the air at the idea of the hot landlord semi-flirting with you over text when you notice your apartment. It’s disgusting. Your face burns red and you instantly work on the space before Yoongi comes over. He can't see you like this.
Sleep is out of the question. After your ravage cleaning and polishing and organizing, you’ve worked up more than a sweat.  A cold shower helps for a moment but you end up lying in bed feeling slightly wet and very, very hot. The humidity is draining.
You change into an outfit of a crop top and g-string panties. You aim the 3 fans in your room to point around your bed for direct wind contact. It helps, somewhat.
Sleep finally comes as dawn breaks. It’s cooled off enough that the ambient air around you is finally tolerable.  Exhaustion overwhelms you, and you pass out, hard. Finally.
You’re broken from your exquisite dream of being nailed by your landlord when a loud knock wakes you up. It’s disorienting. You’re so tired you’re not even sure where you are at the moment, let alone who is at the door.  The knock sounds again and you scurry to turn off the loud fans and book it to the door.
The door swings open and reveals your landlord, Yoongi.
“Oh, hi!” You’re excited to see him, for reasons beyond fixing your air conditioning.
Yoongi steps in and looks like he’s about to speak but opens his mouth and remains silent. His cheeks tingle a light shade of pink and he’s staring at your body.  Did you drool all over yourself all night or something? What was he staring—
Oh god.
You glance down at your body.  The crop top you hastily changed into in the middle of the night hits you a little lower than where your breasts end. The G string is non-existent. It covers almost nothing, which is why you opted for it last night in your desire to get cooled off.
You take a step back from the sexy landlord still gaping at you and shyly cross your arms over your chest.
“I’m sorry, I—it was hot,” you mutter. “I’ll go change.”
Yoongi licks his lips, then snaps his eyes up to you and finds his voice. “It’s fine. It’s your home,” he swallows. “It’s hot in here, so stay comfortable. Don’t want to overheat you.”
His eyes stare down yours intensely. It feels like your veins sizzle, and it’s not related to the scorching temperature of your studio apartment.
He breaks the contact first and heads towards the panel in the wall where the inner workings of the air conditioner hide.
You wait in your kitchen, enjoying the natural shadow and shade from no windows and a spot to hide from Yoongi.
What if he thought badly about you?  What if he doesn’t find you attractive and thinks of this as a ploy to get him to lower your rent or something?  How could you recover from this?  Would it ever go back to being the same?
You’re anxiously tapping your fingers on the kitchen countertop, listening intently as the landlord fiddles with pipes and belts and mutters under his breath every so often.  Eventually, you hear a soft ‘aha’ and your air con kicks right on.   You think it’s the most beautiful sound you’ve ever heard.   Instantly you feel the machine push out air. It’s lukewarm now from disuse, but soon it will be frigid cold.  You stand in front of the breeze and bask, arms open to let the wind blow through you.
Yoongi clears his throat, and it startles you, making you realize you’re standing in your house nearly naked, ass cheeks out on display, under-boob surely peeking out to say hi. Your face burns and it makes him chuckle as you jump and attempt to cover yourself somehow.
“How long was I standing there?” You ask quietly.
Yoongi can’t wipe the amused smirk on his face. “A few minutes,” he shrugs. “Glad it’s working now for you.”
The air rapidly cools as the machine continuously pumps out colder and colder air.
“Thank god. I owe you,” you sigh.
“Nah, that’s what rent pays for,” he smiles.
He makes his move to leave you alone, and you recognize this is it. This is your chance. You can ask him to fuck the shit out of you now. If he declines, well, the first of the month would start being more awkward. But if he accepts… it’s too blissful to imagine.
You grab at his arm as he walks past you.  He stops in his tracks, and his eyes travel to where your hands meet his skin.
“I’m serious,” you attempt to sound as confident as you can. “I owe you.”
He arches a brow at you and turns completely to face you. Your hands hover at the hem of your tiny shirt, lifting a sliver to give him a glance of the bottom of a rounded globe.
“Let me repay you somehow?” you ask.
A smirk lifts at one side of his lips. “You think that will cover the cost?”
Your cheeks heat and you pull the shirt up higher, determined to get him in your bed or die trying.
“I’m hoping.”
Yoongi’s eyes zero in on your tits. Rounded and full, nipples prickling in the fresh and rapidly cooling air.  He contemplates for a moment as he lets his eyes get their nice, long drink of you.
“Yeah, now that I think of it, that should be exact change.” He drops his bag of tools and approaches you quickly, hands cupping your head as he kisses you intensely.
He kisses you with all the fire of the heatwave outside, melting you from the inside out. You’re sure to be sweaty and clammy after you’re finished with him. He swipes his tongue over your lips, and there’s no hesitation to let him in. Your hands grip at his sides, pulling his shirt up as much as you can while trying to focus on making out with the hottest guy you’ve ever met.
He chuckles against your lips at your weak attempt to disrobe him and he reluctantly pulls a step away from you to take the shirt off. He stands there and allows you a quick look before he’s back on to you. His skin presses against your chilled nipples and the fire and ice sensation makes you shiver.
Yoongi kisses you passionately, you notice. Like a lover. It’s laced with deeper intention and you hope you’re not overthinking it. You will your brain to just shut up and enjoy. Emotions can come later.
Now, you’re the one to remove your lips from his and he pouts slightly at the loss. You smile and slide down to your knees, hands undoing the button of his tight jeans and tugging them down.
“Shit, babe, I think you may be overpaying me,” he admits. “Wasn’t that hard to fix.”
As a finger pulls down the front of his boxers to let his cock spring free, you flick a smirk up to his face.
“Then consider this my repayment for being late on rent all those months,” you state before shifting your gaze back to his hardened cock. It’s gathered pre-cum at the head and you wonder if he’s been hard and wanting since he got here and first saw you. The thought is intoxicating and spurs you on.
Your tongue licks up the slick at the tip that threatens to drip off, before it swirls around the bulbous head. Yoongi isn’t afraid to be loud, it seems. You supposed you wouldn’t be afraid if you owned the building too. Who will complain? And to who?
“Hoooooly fuck,” he gasps. “Sh—shit I might let you pay rent like this for the rest of your lease.”
You pop your mouth off and lick your lips, allowing your hand to grip his shaft and begin stroking him.
“I don’t want to pay rent this way. How about we consider it a perk?” You smile, pressing forward to kiss his tip teasingly.
“God, a girl who doesn’t want to fuck me just to take advantage of me? And she’s hot as fuck and wants to blow me for fun?” he quirks his head. “Shit, be careful or I’ll end up falling in love.”  
It makes your head spin a little and you suckle at the tip a little longer, making him keen, before you pull away again.
“Maybe that was the plan all along,” you simper, then take him in fully, letting his tip glide down your mouth to the back of your throat.  He groans loudly, and it’s the most satisfying sound. It makes you want to do this more. Every day if you could.
You get to work, sucking him in, allowing him passage to your throat, vacuuming your cheeks to add additional pressure, gliding your hands up and down the slick shaft to assist you in touching every single bit. Yoongi is thriving. He can’t believe his luck. The hottest girl in the complex, the girl he’s secretly pined over, is sucking his cock as if her life depends on it.
You’re salivating at the act now, saliva spilling out your mouth as you continue to envelop his cock quickly. You slip it out of your mouth to lean down and lick and suck at his balls, which makes him hum in absolute pleasure.  You don’t remain long—his cock is nearly pulsating with desire.  Your mouth returns to its rightful place and as you’re licking and sucking and pumping and stroking him, you maintain even and sensual eye contact with him.
You want him to know this isn’t a chore, a means to an end. You want him to know you’ve dreamt of him fucking your throat raw every night since you moved in.
Yoongi got the picture pretty quickly. His mouth drops open as he openly gapes at your work, giving him probably the best and hottest blowjob of his life.  
Your tongue swirls at the ridge of his head and Yoongi feels it snap—the tightness that holds everything back.  He fucks desperately into your throat, relishing in the feel of your gagging and moaning.  It didn’t take long until he was seeing it through to the end, pumping hot white ropes down your throat while he moaned out your name with a string of expletives.
The immoral pop noise your mouth made as you pull off his cock makes the blue-haired landlord standing above you moan.
“Fucking hell—where the fuck have you been all my life?” he sighs as he cups his hand under your chin. He beckons you back up, desperate to kiss you.  You oblige and return to standing, pressing against his body to pull him in to a dirty kiss.
“Upstairs, apparently,” you murmur.
He swipes his tongue on yours, tastes himself there, and decides he wants to taste himself on you all the time.  His hands slide down to your ass, the g string still curving down the line.  He snaps at the straps as you kiss, making you puff a laugh against his lips before pulling away.
“I’d be willing to fix your leaky faucet in the bathroom if you let me eat you out,” he offers.  
You’re tugging him towards your bed, knocking over multiple fans in the process, and flopping onto the mattress, landing on your back.
“Throw in fixing the squeaky wheel on my closet, and you’ve got yourself a deal,” you joke, spreading your legs to give him the tiniest clue of what lays between.
He sighs dramatically with a smile, “Needy tenant,” before he slips down to hover over you. He intends to kiss and lick every part of your body, starting with the tits that hypnotized him.
“Can’t believe you opened the door like that,” he chuckled as he plucked a nipple between his fingers and lightly rolled it.  “I thought I was dreaming.”
The feeling is instant, electricity sparking at the tips of your nipples and warming its way around your body, directly to your cunt.  You’re absolutely certain that by the time Min Yoongi reaches his mouth to your core, he’ll drown in it.
He moves forward and wraps his lips around the bud, allowing his hands to travel to the neglected one and to squeeze and pinch and prod.  He’s rewarded with your beautiful sighs and gasps—it’s sweeter than any song he’s ever heard.
He presses your tits together and rubs his face in the cleavage there, making you gasp and laugh at the same time.  He gazes up at you and flashes his gummy smile.
“I’ve really wanted to do that,” he admits, which makes you giggle again.
“Be my guest,” you approve.  He takes your reply and does it again for just a moment, before he’s kissing and sucking at the flesh of your breasts.  He wants to mark you, leave a piece of him for you to remember every time you see yourself.  You moan in appreciation and rub your thighs together, desperate at the ache that grows with every nip and nibble of Yoongi’s lips and teeth.
He seems to understand and trails down, kissing and sucking at your long torso, abdomen, hips.  He leaves little bruises everywhere and you want them to last forever.  You want him to mark you and claim you as his own.
His fingers slip around the thin straps of your underwear, and he tugs them right off.  He’s unable to stop the loud moan when he notices the slick that strings between them and your folds.  You’re drenched, and he marveled at how excited you were about him.
“Fuck, babe—” he sighs as he lowers his chest down to lie in front of your spread thighs.  Your center is weeping, slicked with your arousal and he can tell you’re desperate for friction, for anything.  “Look at this perfect fucking pussy.”
You whimper as you can feel his breath so close to where you need him.  
“Yoongi, please,” you whine.  “I’m so fucking horny.”
“I can tell,” he hums.  “Keep moaning my name like that and I’ll make sure you’re always horny and ready for me.”
He lowers his lips, hovering millimeters from your slit.  He holds it there as he watches your anguished face nearly burst at how close and yet how far he is, before he obliges you and presses into you.  
You gasp at the first swipe of his tongue on your clit.  He maintains a soft up and down motion on the nub and you’re already seeing stars.  He steadily increases the pressure and the speed, then spices it up by swirling his tongue around in different shapes, spelling out his name on your cunt with his tongue to remind you just who got you this fucking soaked.
Your legs falter and quiver as he slips his tongue deeper inside you, licking into your hole and nearly drinking you up.  He pulls back and devotes his attention to your clit and your moans turn from soft gasps and pleas to loud whines as he slips his fingers into your cunt and slowly fucks you, spreading you out.  He’s not small by any means, he feels he can get you ready to go.
“I want you to cum for me on my tongue,” he states, matter-of-factly.  “I want to feel you on my fingers.”
You nod, plucking at your own nipples with one hand as the other seeks purchase in his hair.  
“Can you do that for me, babe? Can you cum for me and get my hand nice and drenched?  I want to lick it off my fingers.”
His fingers get frantic and he splits his time between suckling and laving at your clit and encouraging you with illicit requests and praises.  
Yoongi continues, never letting up or even giving an inkling of a hint he’s tiring.  His hand works like a machine and he slips yet another finger inside your heat, making you arch off the bed.  He licks at your clit with just the right pressure, and he picks up the speed and it sends you tumbling towards your orgasm.  You feel the breath leave your lungs as it hits you, core and channel muscles squeezing him tight and legs shaking around his body.   Your moans echo off the small apartment walls, only drowned out by the sound of the fresh air-con still running.  
“Oh, my god Yoongi—” you pant.  “I’ve never cum so hard from oral in my life.”
He pulls his fingers from inside you as you come back down from your high and chuckles at your words.  True to his promise, he lets the slick glisten on his finger and marvels at it, before he’s popping the fingers into his mouth and sucking them clean.
“You taste so fucking good,” he compliments, and it makes your chest tighten and tips of your ears turn red.  “Fuck, I could eat you every fucking day.”
You smirk, still sensitive but feeling the desperate ache inside you needy for him and his thick cock.  Your legs spread open as he lays between them and you’re wiggling your hips to get his attention.
“I’m sure we could arrange something in my lease for that,” you tease.  “I could suck your cock hourly, honestly.”
He groans as he sits up between your legs, cock resting heavily on top of your mound.  It’s so close, so close to where you need it to be.  You appreciate the thick member as it rests and as Yoongi catches his breath.  It’s thick and long, on top of your mound the tip reaches to the tiny swell of your stomach.  You know you will not be able to walk tomorrow, that’s for sure.
“You’re telling me I could have been going down on you and been getting my dick sucked by the hottest girl on the planet this whole time and all I’ve done is give you shit about rent?”  
You stifle a laugh and spread your legs open wider.  “Looks like it.  We better make up for all that lost time, don’t you think?”
His cock is rigid, almost stone, and he agrees heartily.
“Fuck yeah, we should.  I’ve been dreaming about being inside you.”
He sounds so dirty, looks so sinful—it’s all so much and you’re almost begging for him to take you.
He reaches down to the pants on the floor that dropped and shimmies a condom out of his wallet.  You send him a look that he silences with a roll of his eyes.
“Every dude has one, chill,” he mumbles. “I haven’t gotten laid in like a year and a half.”  He pales as he realizes what he just said. “Not that it matters.  Or that I care. Or that you care—christ can we fuck now please?” He asks as he rolls the rubber onto his stiff cock.
You’re laughing a bit, not at him but with him, and you lean up on your elbows to kiss his lips.  “If it makes it better, I haven’t gotten laid in 3 years so I’m the loser by comparison,” you assure.
He wants to ask you how the fuck you haven’t gotten laid in that long because you’re the hottest god damn person he thinks he’s ever seen, but he realizes he doesn’t care and that it works out in his favor because Yoongi doesn’t like competition.
“Looks like the landlord needs to fix yet another problem of yours,” he winks as he lines himself up.  You lean back onto the pillows and sigh as you feel the touch of his head right at the opening of your slit.
In one slow motion, he slides himself to the hilt. It’s tight, so fucking tight even after one orgasm, and Yoongi nearly hollers at the feel.  He’s sure his eyes are rolling back in his head.  It’s warm and tight and wet and even through a condom he’s in absolute bliss.  He’s hoping one day he can try it without—fuck you raw and stuff you full of his cum.  
He’s still inside you, and after a moment to breathe and adjust to the thick girth of him, you’re whining.  “Yoongi, fuck me, I need you so fucking bad.”
A feral groan leaves his lips, and he’s off, beginning a pace that has him hoarse from moaning in no time.  He’s never felt so good inside a cunt before, never understood how some men could do crazy shit for ‘magic pussy’, but now he gets it—he realizes he’d probably do some dumb things for a chance to be inside you again.
“Oh, yeah—” you whine. “S-shit, you’re so fucking big, Yoongi.  Fuck me nice and deep.”
“Mmm, yeah? You want me to bruise your cervix? Want me to make this cunt remember my fucking cock?”  He thrusts harder, pushing into you with diligent speed and intensity.  “Gonna make sure you can never cum from another cock again, only mine.”
You’re losing your breath with how hard he’s fucking into you, both your moans and pants coming out in quick little bursts between his thrusts.
“Y-y-yes! Yo-o-ongi! Right there!”  He hits a spot that feels so good, and you feel the pull towards orgasm tighten.
“God—you feel so. fucking. good.” he emphasizes with a thrust. “Need to feed your tiny pussy my dick every day, hm?  Needy little cunt needs my thick cock.”
Tears form in your eyes.  The depths he reaches inside you nearly scrambles your brains—you forget everything that isn’t Yoongi and his perfect thickness spearing inside you.
“Yoongi! Gonna c-cum!”
He goes harder, becomes rabid for your second orgasm and wants to feel the way you squeezed his fingers on his cock, knowing the channel will feel even impossibly tighter.
“That’s right, good girl,” he praises while he maintains a punishing pace.  “Let me see you cum on this cock, baby, wanna see that pretty little pussy all creamy for me.”
His thumb rubs at your clit, moving it in circular motions, and diverts his eyesight between watching your full tits bounce and your lips open and close in pure bliss.  You’re the definition of fucked out and Yoongi feels a surge of testosterone at the sight—knowing he was responsible.
“O-oh! Th-there!” You’re frantic and he can tell you’re right on the edge.  He goes even faster, deeper and harder, and it’s the final straw.  You’re catapulted off the edge and thrown headfirst into your orgasm.   As he suspected, your perfect cunt pulsates around him like a fist and he’s groaning and stuttering as it triggers his own release.  
It takes a few moments for both of you to come down, before he pulls his softening cock from within you and disposes of the condom.  You’re breathing hard, and he’s smiling at the sheen of sweat on your body.
“Good thing I got that AC fixed today, hm?” He asks as he leans over to kiss at your lips.
You grin and pull him down to lay next to you, snuggling into his body.  He holds onto you and kisses your head.  He feels a level of contentment he’s never felt before.
You break the silence. “Now, as the landlord’s girlfriend, do I get any special perks? Like you’ll throw the utilities into my rent? Free cable?”
He chuckles against your forehead. “Not a fucking chance, babe.”
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© ppersonna - 2020 - do not repost on any site, or translate without express permission from author.
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skvaderarts · 3 years ago
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I'm literally one weak moment from making V in Elden Ring and going for the bad ending just for the fuck of it. Anyone want to follow that story? I'm legit thinking of making like a in-game diary and being like:
"Dear diary. I woke up on the floor today in a hail of mist and I set it to follow some creepy yellow light through a doorway. I have no idea where the hell I am, and I don't think I have any powers here, so it looks like I'm going to have to start over from the beginning. Also, apparently I'm "maidenless" and a "lowly tarnished". Whatever that means. Anyway, I just want stuff to stop stabbing me for 5 seconds so I can figure out where the hell I am. I'll update you later."
"So diary... Everything here wants to kill me. Like everything. Some dude turned into a bear, and I'm pretty sure a tree just tried to beat me to death. Looks like calmly offering to read them poetry isn't going to cut it here. I'm going to need some way to defend myself. But hey, some creepy doll offered me a bell that can summon spirits, and I have a magic horse. Still better than how most of my days start!"
"Well Diary... Today I roasted an entire plateau of these godless illiterate psychopaths. I still don't know what I'm doing here, but I know what's going to happen. And everyone here is going to regret the day they tried to kill me unprovoked."
"Well well well, diary. It appears that no one knows who William Blake is in these lands. I must educate them. After they stop stabbing me."
"Oh diary. After a month of being nearly stabbed to death, I have awoken and chosen violence."
"Diary. You have no idea how close I am to burning this entire kingdom to the ground. If one more lobster or giant crab attacks me just going to be held to pay. And the magic college here? Raya Lucaria?! It's run by complete and total hacks, and they wouldn't even look over my admittance paperwork! Looks like I'm going to have to go straight to the dean! There has to be some sort of mistake! This is probably the only place in this kingdom I actually belong! And they have some kind of creepy iron maiden that snatches her soul out patrolling the courtyard? And a giant bowl that tries to roll over you on the way to class? And a dog with a giant sword? Not to mention that the school uniform is a little bit unorthodox... But it literally is the only school in this entire kingdom, so I guess I'm short on choices. It's either that or go pick a fight with the trees again... Or open another chest and get teleported to God knows where. Anyway, it's been a productive day! I'll get back with you soon."
"I'm not even going to start my entry with a greeting today. I can't die. Well, I can die but I don't stay dead. Let me out of this endless death loop! My life consists of nothing but endless suffering! Well, at least some things never change. But that spell yesterday that made me shoot yellow fire out of my eyes? Can't recommend it. So far I'd rate this day a 4/10, and the only reason it isn't lower is because a giant lobster hasn't killed me for a few hours and I found a snazzy outfit on a dead guy. Wouldn't be the first time I procured my clothing by ill gotten means. Guess I got to take what I can get!"
... Omg part of me really wants to do this now holy shit. Would you guys want to see posts about it? Because I would have so much fun writing them!
Not going to lie I'm kind of desperate for somebody to want me to do this now lol! Sounds like I could be a blast! Also, check my stupid tags if you want more ideas has to what I might be planning.
Sorry for any spelling errors. Did this at 4:00 in the morning with speech to text. This is what happens when you stay up this late thinking about two different games... But hey, I did this in Bloodborne, and I can do it again! (Oh boy did the Bloodborne one go completely off the deep end. I ended up platinuming the game with my V character and that one... I mean, have I finished my first playthrough of Elden Ring? Absolutely not. But this might just be the most fun I've had in a while, if you guys are behind it.
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mostlymaudlin · 3 years ago
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writer tag game wooooo
thanks @palimpsessed and @captain-aralias for the tags!!
a few tags.. @urban-sith @snowybank @tea-brigade @seducing-a-vampire @xivz @facewithoutheart @unseelieseelie @motherscarf @stillmadaboutpetra but as always i love reading these so lie and say i tagged u if u wanna do it!!
How many works do you have on AO3? 17, 15 of which are for simon snow series What’s your total AO3 word count? 97,953 How many fandoms have you written for and what are they? ive published for three! simon snow, check please, and one direction. ive also written some steve/bucky that never went anywhere. What are your top five fics by kudos? In black ink my love may still shine bright Want to mark you up (e-rated part two to "In black ink.."!) Nothing Equals the Splendor a bully and a snob and a complete arsehole Light Me Up
Do you respond to comments, why or why not?
I try to but if too many come in at a time i get overwhelmed haha. that's only happened a few times tho, toward the end of my multi-chap when people were subscribed and ready. i love replying to comments bc i write a lot more than i post — if something makes it to ao3, that means i really like the story! and if people want to talk to me about it, that's like.. the best thing ever.
What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?
i was gonna be like "oh i always give them a happy ending" but then ao3 told me — that's not true! Yellow was a lil deleted scene thing i did abt simon buying his yellow breakup stationery, so obviously the ending is big owie. and my humdrum fic, Hunger of the Shadow... i mean its a humdrum fic lol. idk which is angstier, its different types i guess.
Have you ever received hate on a fic?
i got a comment that bothered me once that was like sort of judgmental abt a bit of my plot, and they were like "you should have done __ instead." and i was like ummmmmm... but not HATE i suppose.
Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
i wrote smut on my own once (Want to mark you up). i mostly wrote this one to capitalize on the horny momentum of In black ink my love may still shine bright, in which simon and baz go out to a bar, etc. also i wanted to make a joke about lamb hahahah.
then i did a few smut pieces with some pals via Frantic Fanfic. One of them, A for Effort, is actually technically my second most-kudos-ed fic, but it didn't feel right to claim it because Kay (xivz) did the heavy lifting on that one!
Have you ever had a fic stolen?
I don't think so!
Have you ever had a fic translated?
Nope
Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Just the Frantic Fanfic stuff!
What’s your all time favorite ship?
i wanna say snowbaz because im elbow-deep in it right now, but i don't know! i've definitely written most for snowbaz, but i think that's just because i'm more confident of a writer now than i was in my other fandoms. i think ill always be a slut for a certain 1d ship that really embarrasses me but i like..... can't get over it lmfao. also steve/bucky comes back to haunt me quite often
What’s a WIP that you want to finish, but don’t think you ever will?
i have a lot of wips that im determined to do, but it might be a while. i have one wip that is heavily rooted in a new england summer setting that i recently moved to my Graveyard folder on google drive because i was like... i don't think i can write this as well now that summer's over. the first sentence in that doc (which is entirely scrambled outline) is "this fic should smell like sunscreen." i will probably revisit next summer if im still around because im super invested in it. it's a childhood friends>rivals>friends>lovers with copious new englandisms, ghost hunting, simpard, explorations of guilt that are like super catholic (again: hello new england), queer identity stuff. i think shepard is a trans dude in that one too which was fun. idk!! this answer got long. it makes me more certain i will return to it lol.
What are your writing strengths?
hmmm probably like - earnest descriptions of emotion? like, if the character is going through something, im going to take you through allll the stages. i personally think im funny, which is what matters to me as my own reader lmfao. and i think i like to break them out of the usual settings and plotlines! i really like setting as a literary tool, thinking abt the obstacles that come wherever your characters are. im in the ideas stage of a road trip fic and i think that's going to be a really good way for me to flex there.
What are your writing weaknesses?
Sometimes dialogue, sometimes not. Elaborate plots that can't be tied to character development. I've said this before, but I find my writing to be quite plain in terms of syntax/word choice/etc... this is usually fine but sometimes my writing can get very like "action, thought, action, though, action, dialogue." idk. i dont know that i have a word for this, am open to suggestions.
What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in fic?
i can only write in english!
What was the first fandom you wrote for?
one direction lol
What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?
pshhhhh....... i like really love everything ive published for the simon snow series so idk. im most emotionally invested in my multichap, Nothing Equals the Splendor. But also i had the most fun writing both Jump Up, Chosen One! (where they get stuck in a mario game lmfao) and Light Me Up (my stoner fic). theyre all my favorites for different reasons lmfao.
if you read this whole thing i love u. i put the read more cut in at the top and then i was like 'i can wax on as long as i want now" hahaha. i love talking abt writing and idc if it makes me self-absorbed i love my fics 😂
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veryverynotgoodwrites · 3 years ago
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Chapters: 2/? Fandom: Once Upon a Time (TV), A Discovery of Witches (TV) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan, Captain Hook | Killian Jones & Emma Swan, Prince Charming | David Nolan/Snow White | Mary Margaret Blanchard, Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Maleficent Characters: Captain Hook | Killian Jones, Emma Swan, Snow White | Mary Margaret Blanchard, Prince Charming | David Nolan, Evil Queen | Regina Mills, Maleficent (Once Upon a Time), Rumplestiltskin | Mr. Gold, Knave of Hearts | Will Scarlet, Wicked Witch of the West | Zelena, Pinocchio | August Booth, Liam Jones (Once Upon a Time), Arthur (Once Upon a Time), Henry Mills (Once Upon a Time), The Apprentice (Once Upon a Time), Mad Hatter | Jefferson, Robin Hood (Once Upon a Time), Red Riding Hood | Ruby, Alice Jones | Tilly, Belle (Once Upon a Time) Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Crossover, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions Summary:
“Once the world was full of wonders, but it belongs to humans now. We creatures have all but disappeared. Daemons, vampires, and witches - all hiding in plain sight, ill at ease even with each other. But, as my father used to say, in every ending...there is a new beginning.”
A Captain Swan AU.
*I do not own any of these characters from OUAT, nor any part of A Discovery of Witches. Some dialogue and events are taken from both OUAT and ADOW to create this story, and are products of their original writers. This is just a fun CS au for your reading pleasure.
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Hello everyone! Bet you thought I forgot all about this fic after all this time, huh? ;)
Well, never fear! I may not have a schedule, but I have a VISION, and it must be completed, no matter how long it takes! Anyone who has read Perilous Harbor since the beginning knows how long it sometimes takes me to update (@ that six month break I took after I moved to Europe lol), but I promise there's always one coming!
I spent two months dreading writing this chapter despite knowing it would be so much fun, but when I actually sat down and started, I had it finished within six hours. Lol.
Anywho! On to business! I had so much fun writing your first look at our vampire Killian! Truth be told, vampires really aren't my thing, but I love this story and I love who Killian is in this tale, and I think we will have so much fun with him! I also hope everyone will enjoy the three new characters introduced in this chapter!
I want to give a huge shoutout to @ultraluckycatnd​ for being my incredible beta and for being so understanding about my creative break since July! And to @mariakov81​ for the absolutely incredible artwork she has created for this story! I'm so in awe of your talent and the fact that you're so patient with me and my erratic writing pattern. I'm so happy this event brought us together!
As always, a huge, huge, HUGE thank you to all of my friends over at the CSMM Discord. I love all of you, and you keep me going, whether that's by encouraging me, flailing with me, or giving me so much to read that I can't possibly ever catch up with my list.
I also want to thank the team at @cssns​ for setting me up with an absolute dream team, and I'm so happy I got to participate in this event <3
As a side note, this work is also now listed under the Captain Swan Netflix and Chill collection in addition to the CSSNS collection! You can click on both the links to these collections to find some incredible stories by some of my favorite people!
If you would like to be added to my tags list, please let me know!
@teamhook​ @hollyethecurious​ @the-darkdragonfly​ @tiganasummertree​ @jrob64​ @justanother-unluckysoul​ @ultraluckycatnd​ @winterbaby89​ @snowbellewells​ @xarandomdreamx​ @klynn-stormz​ @omninerdgirl​ @kmomof4​​
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washymylifeaway · 4 years ago
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Haikyuu Angst fanfic recs
EDIT: I added in the ships for each fic LOL, prolly should’ve done it like that from the beginning smh my bad :’)))))
EDIT 2: I made a pt 2 linked HERE
No one asked me to do this, but I’m providing it anyway because we all need a little angst in our lives. Right? Anyway, this entire thing is going to be something you need to read warnings, tags, and summaries in advanced because everything here will be angst. Anyhoo, in no particular order, here comes the sadness... And also don’t come at me for putting fics I’ve recommended in the past,,,, it’s an angst post I have to put all of them.
WARNING: Almost all of these fics deal with either some sort of death, trauma, or mental illness so please I BEG OF YOU to proceed with caution. Also in NO way am I romanticizing any of these things, these fics recs are merely pieces I thought were written extremely well, and that portray major events from multiple perspectives skillfully. If you are struggling, please contact a hotline and get help, you are never in this alone!
National Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255
boiled frogs by reginagalaxia (E) 91.5k /MatsuHana/ is it possible to hate a character this much? I never realized how much hate/rage I had in me. Really. Like. Imma boutta fight this MF LIKE SQUARE UP. The way I tried to manifest a fake characters death like,,,, Anyway. If my RAGE doesn’t explain how good of a freakin writer they are, then idk what will. (PLEASE READ THE TAGS, THERE ARE SENSITIVE TOPICS!!!!)
In Another Life by LittleLuxray (T) 23k /BokuAka/ it’s a classic, what can I say? You into some BokuAka angst? Here’s the fic. Go right ahead. Don’t be shy :’)
the galaxy is endless (i thought we were, too) by cosmogony (T) 30.9k /KuroKen/ again, a classic. We do love a good soulmate AU tho :)))))))
^^ I didn’t write much here cause I wrote my general thoughts on a different post (linked here) so yea it’s not that I don’t like the fic, it’s just that I didn’t want to be more redundant than I already am LOL.
Oikawa's Last Wish/es by DanaiaCake (G) 5.1k /IwaOi/ this one, man it’s short but painful LOL. Proof that angst doesn’t have to be long to completely break you ahhahah. It actually has a sequel (which is less angsty), but yea if you like finish this fic and are like broken, read it for some.... glue?
The Sky and Guilt Are the Only Feelings I Have Left by oopsthisisqueertoo (NR) 267.7k /BokuAkaKuroo/ ngl I picked it up as a rec from someone else after misreading that it was THIS long haha. But like I kept reading, and the suspense omg. It HAS a happy ending, so if you’re reading it and you start to feel empty, push through (tho take breaks) and finish because it DOES end HAPPY. (PLEASE READ THE TAGS, THERE ARE SENSITIVE TOPICS!!!!)
Made to be Broken by todxrxki (T) 8.1k /KuroKen/ this one focuses more on the after than the build up, and it made me so sad (as it should cause this is literally an angst fic rec post smh @ myself). I usually don’t cry too much but this one made the waterworks turn ON. Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Bless Akaashi.
Even Though it All Went Wrong by plumtrees (T) 9.2k /MatsuHana/ THIS IS THE REASON THIS POST CAME TO BE. I love this fic with all my heart (or what’s left of it). Like LOVE as in, this fic really broke me beyond just breaking me. Like. When Oikawa says what he says to Mattsun after the thing (you’re sorry __ _____ __ ____) and the Iwa right after (we know __’__ ___ ______ to make you ____ __ ____) (if you’re wondering wtf I’m putting here, just ctrl F you’re sorry and you’ll see), you cannot believe how hard that hit. GOD. (I am okay if you’re wondering :’)) This is my #1 favorite angst fic of all time and if you are okay mentally and have read the tags and warnings and are fine with them, then please read it. (PLEASE READ THE TAGS, THERE ARE SENSITIVE TOPICS!!!!)
Better For Us Both by abrandnewheart (M) 15.7k /SakuAtsu/ THE MUG FIC. There was a sequel and when I saw that it took me another week to read it cause I was like,,, am I ready to have my heart break again? No LOL. But the sequel is actually not as angst, so if you want like a semi-broken whatever, just read the sequel LOL. It’s so sad and it made me physically hurt every time someone even mentioned mugs afterwards (LOL why am I so dramatic but it’s the truth :///). Go ahead and hurt with me.
Crumbling Foundations by Captain_Hughes_ZU, ToshiChan (T) 106.3k /MULTI/ I was debating whether or not to put this fic cause it actually doesn’t even have the angst tag (which I personally think it should). Honestly, it’s more a trauma fic than an angst fic idk I just wanted to put it somewhere because it’s written super well and although it was technically a ‘happy ending’ the interviews after prove else. Despite only being rated T, it’s got some intense TW so (PLEASE READ THE TAGS, THERE ARE SENSITIVE TOPICS!!!!)
arbitrary nature of thought. by wadingpool (NR) 5.6k /SunaOsa/ this....... ah... ahh.... The pain...... I really love the SunaAtsu friendship agenda. The ending was happy (I keep doing this LOL) but the build up to the break,,,,, AHHHH. Yea the ending was really heartwarming....... BUT THE BEGINNING. Yea it really jumbled me up..... JFLJDSFLKJHDLFHS
How To Be A Kick-Ass Brother: A Guide by Miya Atsumu by Egosdelirium (E) 25k /SakuAtsu + SunaOsa/ what personal vendetta do I have against Osamu? Nothing, literally nothing he just happens to always suffer in the fics I choose oops. This fic is one I really like, and it portrays the close outsider’s perspective on a horrific event really well. I was iffy on putting this in because it’s not really the angst type I was going for (more death less trauma?) but I really liked this fic, and while I was making my end note, I kept thinking about it so yea. Atsumu best boy. (PLEASE READ THE TAGS, THERE ARE SENSITIVE TOPICS!!!!)
You might be thinking, done already? Wellllllll there were a lot of fics where I decided against putting them on (cause I felt like it didn’t really match what I wanted to be recommending but idk what the theme was LOL oops but yea I would look at a fic and think well it is angst but not the right TYPE of angst y’know?) and I really hate reading angst (there’s a lot of days where I shouldn’t cause my mental health said no thanks LOL). Also I wanted like FULL angst fics, but most of them have like happy endings (which made some of these iffy and is good but also it wasn’t what I wanted to put :////) So yes, I may add to this post (we’ll see) but like it’ll depend on whether I can convince myself that reading angst at 4 am is a good idea LOL. (pls recommend me some too!)
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silenthillmutual · 4 years ago
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Would u ever analyse/write about peter bipolar stuff bc i see so many ppl psychoanalyse daniil but i just want to put the stamatins in a lab and examine them anyway i saw ur peter daniil bingo thing and i think manic depressive peter is so real and we should spread the word and there isnt enough peter content maybe daniil can b there too so yh what do u think about petrs brain ??...... umm im a little weird from many painkillers but i hope this makes sense
bipolar peter ask part 2 -- but also i think p1 petr is so different from p2 peter kind of a bigger different than most other characters   [[like peter1 is still consumed by his vision and a pretty wizard and insane utopian but p2 peter is more tired disillusioned ready to be a dilf]]]  so  like man they might need to be separated if analysed  but anyway hes got problems  ❤️
soooo i am trying to answer this for the second time. tumblr’s new ask formatting kind of fucked up when i tried to insert the few screenshots i thought explained peter’s mental state. so here’s peter thoughts... 2!
i don’t really have the screenshots required to make a lengthy meta post about peter’s mental health issues on the scale of my daniil & autism analysis - though i doubt any analysis i write will quite surpass that - and even less for classic peter, but i do have a few thoughts.
i think a lot about peter’s state of mind because he’s probably my favorite utopian. which isn’t to say that i dislike the others (except georgiy), but peter holds a special place in my heart because i really relate to that depression he’s got going on. i like to think of peter as bipolar type ii, because the depression seems more pronounced. i also think it’s a good balance with andrey, who i hc as having bipolar type i. in contrast to peter’s depression, andrey has the irritability and impulsivity of a manic episode (i mean, he’s walking around without a shirt while there’s a sentient plague outside. shout out to everyone who’s walked around in the freezing cold in tank tops and shorts because they were (hypo)manic)
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Peter: We don’t see eye to eye, the Judge and I. He argued taht the Tower was never their family’s crowning achievement... merely mine. And I concur. It was my crown. I’ve hit the ceiling...
i know the tower’s creation and existence is the source of much speculation and i’ve seen and liked a lot of what i read that people have had to say about it, the role it plays in the story, and the role it plays in peter’s depression. but i think it’s also fair to read it as something he may have created and feels he can’t replicate because he was hypo/manic at the time and has since crashed. once while hypomanic i was writing 5k a day like it was nothing, and when i finished the project and the episode i became overwhelmed with grief, like i would never write again. i think this hypothesis is supported by the fact that he and andrey obviously have created many fantastic things - they reference the dancing bridge and i think the other two are the cold hall and the house house? it’s late so lol if i got the names wrong - so clearly those unfinished stairways are not all there is. and he’s inspired again when he temporarily has custody of grace, so clearly he can and will create again, with or without the polyhedron.
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Peter: You know, old boy, I was never persecuted for my genius. Nor was I prosecuted for murder. And yet, it turns out all this was my hell after all.
Voice line: Life is a night at the bar. All the wisdom you gain, you pay for in pain.
i think one of my friends w bipolar suggested that the way he interacts with his creations hints at psychosis, but that's something i'd be ill-equipped to discuss as i don't experience psychosis. his paranoia that farkhad and andrey are mad at him, though...
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Peter: I wonder how long my tower will hold. I wonder if Farkhad forgave me... if Brother is angry with me... I wonder about many things.
this screenshot isn’t exactly proof of anything, but he definitely seems wrapped up in mistakes that he’s made in the past in a way that feels familiar. at some point in time all the mental illnesses become inextricable, but there’s a lot i’ve felt i’ve lost to the bizarre shit i’ve done while strugging w bipolar disorder and i think the regret is real. not to mention the significant comorbidity of bipolar disorder and anxiety disorders. and the high rate (70%, according to this) of comorbidity between bipolar disorder and substance use disorder
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Peter: A lot. I have to quit drinking, but I don’t have any willpower left.
peter clearly has a lot less faith in his potential for recovery and it makes me wonder if he’s tried to get sober before and failed.
also i tend to mash my characterizations together when writing fic because i look at the two games as accompaniments of each other - especially as we only have one route of p2 so far. but i do think p2 peter seems slower and sadder than classic peter. i think they’re different symptoms of the same illness though... maybe when i get around to replaying bachelor route i’ll take more screenshots of peter and formulate more thoughts on his mental illness but boy. he’s got it.
thank u for the ask!! i love talking n thinking about this kinda stuff.
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musicrunsthroughmysoul · 3 years ago
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So...I ended up not going to the concert this past weekend OR getting to see my best friend and my namesake.
Again, when something low-key traumatic happens, where does it go? Ah, yes. The hellsite. Or as I love to call it, the hellblightsite.
Anyway...I usually put this in the tags but just in case, beforehand: CW: drugs mention
Friday morning I got up at 9 something and didn’t know what to eat, so I looked in my and my mom’s snack drawer and saw a cereal-based bar. Before you guess, I’m just going to spoil it for you: this cereal-based bar, which is a lot like a Rice Krispies treat only made out of fruit loops, was an edible disguised (not disguised, but unlabeled! - the only label on it besides the maker’s logo was that it was 200mg) as a cereal bar/treat. Well, I broke off what I thought was a third, not quite a half - I didn’t want an entire half, and that’s good for me considering what’s happened since. Well, after I ate that and noticed the distinctly marijuana aftertaste, I had a cup of coffee, which is the one consistent thing I always do when I get up in the morning. Now, if I HADN’T just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, WELL NOW I JUST MADE IT TWENTY TIMES WORSE.
Anyway, I’m gonna spare you all the gory details (if you aren’t thanking me already you will be) and just say that constant-hours-long-lasting dizziness, nausea (I was physically ill twice, and afterward I got SO dizzy I thought I would pass out! I barely made it back to my bed where I lay for at least twenty minutes completely unable to move or open my eyes), paranoia, feeling random shocks all over my body, and increased heart rate/panic attack was definitely THE worst experience of my entire fucking life because MAN, NOT EVEN MIGRAINES HURT THAT BAD FOR THAT LONG (and migraines, I already decided long ago, are the worst pain I’ve ever felt EVER). And if you’re reading this and going, ‘Wow, all that? Did you eat anything beforehand?’ the answer is no, because I’m a dumbass, obviously. Oh, and since then, today included, I’ve had incredibly low energy and have been tired ALL DAMN WEEKEND (I even took an unnecessary nap yesterday). Hence why I didn’t go to the concert (OBVIOUSLY!) or see my best friend and her daughter.
So yeah. Everything sucks, and apparently all the stress I’ve been under hasn’t been bad enough, because I PERSONALLY had to go and make it worse for no fucking reason at all. (And before you try to say, ‘Oh, it wasn’t your fault!’ Actually it was, because as I mentioned, the cereal bar treat thing was unlabeled - all it said was “200mg” - and I KNEW, because of that, there was a possibility that it had THC in it even though my mom and I have NEVER EVER bought ANYTHING with THC from this person before AND the person gave it to us for free, ‘as a treat’ or whatever. I CONSCIOUSLY ate it with the hope that it ONLY had CBD in it because that’s exactly why I would’ve been eating it in the first place, ‘disguised as a weird breakfast food treat’ or no. But I still ate knowing that I could be wrong, that I would regret it. And boy, if ‘I have some strong regrets’ was not one of the first thoughts to race through my head as my vision started spinning just five minutes after I finished drinking my coffee, then what is real, I think I should still wonder. LOL)
Honestly, the best thing that happened this weekend was getting to watch the newest episode of The Owl House. LOL Because god fucking damn, that show gives me the feels in the best way possible (I mean...even the sad feels are still okay, because, since it’s a cartoon/kid’s show, at least I know that there’s still hope! And yeah I know, “cartoon” and “kid’s show” are not necessarily the same thing and shouldn’t necessarily be used interchangeably, but it is DEFINITELY safe to say that The Owl House is both...but I still don’t feel bad for watching it and enjoying it so much, because, as I think I’ve mentioned before, even just as a KID’S SHOW it gives me SO MUCH FUCKING HOPE that there’ll be more shows - cartoon or not - with this much representation and possibly wholesomeness, too, in the future).
Oh, and if my explanation wasn’t enough in terms of implication, just know that I never plan to get high ever again. As I told my mom, “I’d rather be d*ad than feel this way ever again.” :) So yeah. A stoner, a drinker, etc. I will NEVER be, and let me tell you how much I am disappointed by that reality: z-e-r-o. :) NO REGRETS NOW! I’VE DONE IT (minus the drinking which I will obviously never do), NOW I CAN NEVER DO IT AGAIN. THANK THE UNIVERSE.
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yee-fxcking-haw · 4 years ago
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What Happens Next?
A/N: Y'ALL I FUCKIN DID IT I FINISHED THE DAMN FIC. So I definitely bit off more than I could chew by making my first fic a multipart with so much fucking emotion and such a busy plot but lol we did it! Thank you to everyone who has read the story and asked to be tagged and sent me kind words I love y'all so damn much.
Warnings/Rating: 18+ explicit content, very soft romantic smut, unprotected sex, almost a blowjob, James finishes inside the reader. A lot of fluffy love making petty much a great time.
Summary: In the sixth and final chapter of this series, James and you finally figure your shit out. You have to stop running from each other, what you have is far too brilliant...
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four
Part Five
Playlist
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Part Six
Annie's Diner
"I'm a nurse! I'm a nurse, let me see him!" A soft voice calls out over your shoulder. James' head turns towards the voice, his eyes fluttering back open.
"James?" You ask urgently.
"Relax doll, I was just restin' my eyes for a second. Fightin' off assholes is hard work."
He slowly raises to brace himself on his elbows, wincing a little while he does.
The nurse comes around and drops to her knees on the other side of him. She's a pretty little thing with honey colored hair and bright brown eyes.
"Just give us one second dear, I'm certain he's alright I just need to check for a concussion."
You don't answer, you just nod and get up to turn to the small crowd that's begun to disperse, seemingly disappointed with the lack of action.
This is an opportunity for you to finally take a deep breath and process everything that's happene. Air fills your lungs, shoulders rising and tensing for a moment. You release and let your posture fall back down, letting yourself portray outwardly how drained you feel inside. You've gone from hating James and being terrified of him, to being saved by him, to understanding him to… what now? If everything he's said is true, then everything that happened between you two is just as meaningful as it was before prom. Although, misunderstanding or not, it still hurt like hell. You should be more cautious, right? You shouldn't just run back into his arms like everything's fine, even though it is.
You turn to look back at him, long legs sprawled on the pavement while the alleged nurse checks his pulse and his pupils. He's joking about something, you can tell by the way his eyebrows are sitting higher and the lopsided smile on his face. He's propped up on his elbows, strong arms straining against his shirt. The image sends you back to the afternoon that changed it all, you remember his solid body collapsing onto your lap in a dramatic display of feigned illness. Your lips twitch into a small smile at the thought. You shake your head and walk back towards them.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you look worried about me doll." He jests, the nurse turns to glance at you and smiles fondly.
"Your fella is just fine dear, try and keep him on a shorter leash next time." She chuckles as she stands and dusts off her pretty green skirt, James follows, wincing as he stands.
You feel your cheeks heat up at the implication that James is yours, while he wears a very satisfied smirk at the idea. You swallow thickly and give her a silent nod. James thanks her sweetly for checking him, she says something back to him but you've completely zoned out. Her comment has senr you into a state of utter confusion. Is he your fella? No, you never established that. He did call you his girl though, so that would make him your fella. On top of that, what happened on the roof after Coney Island doesn't just happen between friends, not even friends with benefits. The way he held you so tightly, the way he littered kisses down your spine. Those aren't things you share with someone that doesn't belong to you.
The nurse politely ducks away to go back into the diner with the rest of the onlookers. Leaving you and James to stand alone in the dimly lit parking lot. His jaw looks much worse for wear, the skin is so angry and red. He'll definitely have a bruise, an ugly one at that. James lets out a long sigh, staring down at you with those big blue eyes. Despite it all, the idiot is still smiling. You scowl up at him, you cross your arms and lean to one side, refusing to let him crack you.
"You mad at me?" He asks timidly, he gives you an exaggerated pout while he lifts a hand to tuck some hair behind your ear.
You don't say a word. Of course you're mad at him. He scared you half to death, all for what? Just so he could feel like the tough guy? To prove a point to you? To prove a point to himself? He must have known the fight would end with him beat or worse and he has gall to ask if you're mad?
"Hey." He breathes, his hand comes to rest under your chin so he can tilt your face up with his knuckles. The gesture makes your heart flutter wildly.
"I get it, that was stupid, could've gotten hurt much worse and all that." He says, his eyes are gentle and attentive.
You huff and blink up at him, waiting for the rest of his explanation.
"He just- he came in there talkin' all that shit about you bein' his. It pissed me off is all, you're not his. You're not really anybody's- I mean, I'd like to make you mine- but not in the way he meant. I don't want to own you, I wanna love you, doll. I wanna keep you safe and make you laugh and get my ass beat in skee ball and do all that other cheesy crap. I know I fucked up so badly, but baby please-"
He doesn't get a chance to finish his little rant, the second he calls you baby your hands fly to the sides of his face. As it always does with him, your body moves separate from your mind. You smash your lips into his and you feel his hands settle on your waist, clutching you like you're going to float away at any second. That same baffling electricity thrums through your body as your lips move against each other. The rhythm of the kiss is like an echo of the one you shared on the roof. It has the same tide like push and pull, each of you giving and taking from each other in perfect unison. His lips are soft and urgent against yours, his grip solid and grounding. His hands slide towards each other behind you so his arms can find their home around your waist. The feeling makes you sigh against his lips. After months of being without this feeling, after only having it once, all you've done is want it back and now you have it again.
The kiss only breaks so you can both breathe, foreheads still pressed together, wanting to stay as connected as possible. He smiles down at you, it's a beautiful dopey grin. The look he's giving you makes a shiver run up your spine.
"You wanna go skinny dipping?" You ask, absolutely shocked at your own words.
What the hell? Did Molly fucking possess you? He scoffs and ducks down so his eyes are level with yours.
"Do I wanna what?!" He starts cracking up, and you can't help but join him, the absurdity of it all getting to you.
You can't help but think why the hell not. After all of this, all the confusion and the hurt, you two deserve a night like you shared months ago. Maybe you're an idiot, maybe you're only acting based on an emotional response to what James has done for you tonight. But fucking hell, why not just put it all behind you and live a little? James wants to be yours, he wants you to be his. You need to just let it be and stop fighting the way you both keep hurtling towards each other. So yeah, you want to go skinny dipping. It's the most impulsive, idiotic thing you can think of, and you've always wanted to try it.
"I think you know my answer." He chuckles.
"Let go then." You say quickly, turning on your heels so you can head to the truck before you change your mind.
"Woah kid wait up." He calls out to you while he laughs as he follows.
You reach the truck and swing the door open so you can hop in, he scrambles in as you frantically shove the keys in and crank it into gear.
"Hey." His soft voice snaps you out of your manic state. Your eyes dark to his and you feel your breathing slow down some.
"How 'bout we save the skinny dipping for another time?" He asks, voice soft and steady.
You just nod, becoming aware of how hard you were trying to be light-hearted and fun to mask how overwhelmed you're feeling.
"We don't have to move so fast, doll. We did last time and it didn't go so well, I don't wanna mess up this time." He says, his silvery eyes don't leave yours for a second.
Your head moves up and down silently again, you pull some air into your lungs slowly. He's right. You're trying too hard to make everything ok again. You just want to feel like you did on the roof, you want to be free of all the shit that's happened. James has a point though, you've both learned what happens when things move too quick for you both to keep track of it all. You have to be careful with it this time. Careful and boring are often mistakingly paired together, but not with James. It's undeniable that what you have with him is irreplaceable, which makes it all the more critical that you both handle this like it's made of glass.
"So, what do you want to do?" Your voice is so small, almost unrecognizable.
"I want to dance with you." He states, making your heart soar.
"Like, back at the dance hall?" You ask, the stress evident in your voice.
"God no, we can go to my house." He says it like it's obvious.
"Won't your family mind?" The idea of meeting them now makes you extremely anxious. It would be rather awkward to show up to meet his mother for the first time while he's wearing a shiner you half gave him.
"My Ma and my sister are at my aunt's house." He explains, his voice is laced with a tentative tone.
"Oh…" You exhale gently, understanding the situation.
"Only if you want to, I promise I'll behave." His tone shifts to something slightly taunting.
You can't help but smile, he's always quite the charmer.
"What fun would that be?" You chuckle, "Take me home, Bucky."
The nickname makes him smile in the most dazzling way, it stays glued to his face almost the whole way to his house.
James' House
You pull up to the front of an adorable little white house. It's very sweet looking, very simple and quaint. As the engine dies you glance over at James, he's looking at the house with a very solemn, spaced out gaze. Instinctively, you reach out and grab his hand, sliding your fingers between his own.
"I know…" You say as gently as you can. It's his dad, you know because you wear that look far too often. James just nods slowly, closing his eyes for a moment. You don't dare speak again, you just hold his hand. You don't need to say anything, you don't ever want people to say anything when you have the same feeling. All you can do is sit and understand him. Your chest fills with a horrible ache at the sight, but you're also filled with a strange relief. You aren't alone, and he isn't either. You have each other, you know each other, you get to love each other.
He lets the air fall out of his chest, face softening as he does.
"Thank you, doll." His eyes meet yours and he offers you a weak smile.
"Let's go inside." He says. He walks around to help you out of the truck, offering his hand like a gentleman. You want to slap it away out of instinct, but tonight is different.
He helps you down then wraps his hand around yours as he leads you up the sidewalk.
Before he opens the door he presses a kiss on the side of your head. It's quick and soft, and very different from the way he's kissed you before. Every other time it's felt like he prepared for it, and you had time to brace for it. This time it feels like he's used to doing it, like it's a natural thing.
The house is exactly what you would anticipate the home of a widow to look like. Decorated with lace doilies, soft blankets draped on the couch, and delicate lamps that cast a fuzzy yellow haze over the room. The living room is right off of the front door, and the kitchen is just an extension of it. A cute little staircase is on the left wall leading up to what you can only imagine is an equally quaint upstairs.
James walks confidently into his home, straight for the record player. As he fiddles with it you wander over to the fireplace. The mantle is littered in beautiful family photos, just like at your house. His father is in many of them, kissing his mom, holding a young James on his shoulder, cradling a baby you assume must be James' sister. He was handsome like James, but their faces aren't identical, you can see where his face is a balance of the two individuals. Your chest burns with remorse, knowing that these pictures serve as the only thing they have left of the man they all loved so well.
You startle just a little when James wraps his arms around your waist from behind, but relax when he presses a kiss into the side of your neck.
"It's alright, doll." He mumbles. You don't know if he says it for you or for him, but it doesn't matter. You let yourself sink further into the comfort of being known so well by James.
The music pops into existence, a gentle rhythm fills the room. The song is made of soft trumpets and strings, it's a beautiful, romantic melody. Something you would expect old lovers to sway to in their living room. You and James have the lovers part down, you just need to grow old and have your own living room. Is that even in the cards for you two? You sure as hell hope it is. You remember your realization on the roof that night, thinking about how if love isn't like what you two have, you don't want to love at all.
The feeling suffocates you as he spins you around in his arms. His eyes see right through you as his hands find their home on your waist while your arms slide around his neck.
"I love you doll, I never stopped." He breathes with an urgent look in his eyes.
He starts to sway with you around the living room as you gaze up at him completely dumbfounded. Of course he loves you, and you love him. Yes, you have so much left to learn about each other, but my God has James stolen your heart. Ever since you two left that classroom, you've been consuming each other's thoughts. You've been willing yourselves to try and understand the electricity that sparks between you. It's been so fucking messy, but now that you're in his arms again, dancing like an old married couple, you finally understand it all.
"I love you too…" You say it so softly it's almost not heard, but James catches it.
That dazzling smile spreads across his face, it's contagious nature making your own lips split into a grin.
"Would my outstanding skills in the bedroom have anything to do with that?" He says with a sickly sweet voice.
"James!" You laugh and slap his arm. He throws his head back to let out a playful laugh, the sound sets off a swarm of butterflies in your stomach.
"I wouldn't know what your skills are like in the bedroom anyway, I only know what they're like on a roof." You joke.
"We could change that." He says, his voice taking on a much lower tone.
You both freeze and stare into each other's eyes. The air around you feels so thick and the room starts to blur a little, everything except James.
Then you're on each other. Your lips crash together and your hands snag whatever they can. You let out a whiney noise from the back of your throat, which only spurs James on more. His hand grabs at your waist and he licks at your bottom lip. His actions inspire a wonderful heat to settle in your stomach, the feeling gives you confidence you've never felt before. You slide your hands up his chest to grasp his collar, silently begging him to come closer. The two of you break for air for only a second, eyes glued to each other as you pant and try to comprehend the fire growing between you.
"What are you waiting for, Bucky?" You tease.
A wild look spreads in his eyes and a wide grin overtakes his handsome face. Before you can make another witty comment, James brings his strong hands to the backs of your thighs and hoists you up so you can wrap your legs around him. You let out a shocked giggle but gladly welcome his choice to hold you like this. Now level with his face, you throw your arms around his shoulders and place a chaste kiss on the tip of his nose. He wrinkles his face dramatically and let's out a low chuckle.
"I'm gonna drive you wild, doll." He responds with all the confidence in the world.
Of course, his words make your chest ache with desire, your thighs involuntarily squeeze him a little tighter. With the natural push and pull that you two have, his body responds to your actions without thought. He lets his hands slide up to hold your thighs dangerously close to the swell of your ass, fire spreading to your center as he does.
"That's some big talk." You mumble, blinking at him slowly.
"It sure is." His eyes wander down to your lips, not even a second passes before you're on each other again. He damn near kisses the breath out of your lungs this time, his soft, skilled lips make you head spin and all you can do is hold on tight.
"Can I take you to my room?" He asks against your lips. His voice has a gentle, begging tone to it that makes you shiver.
"Please." You sigh as you let your hands slide into the soft hair on the back of his head. He kisses you hard and walks blindly up the stairs, then he's kicking the door open to what you can only assume is his room. You feel your body falling then feel your back meet a soft mattress. Bucky settles easily between your legs and your heart races when you feel how hard he is already. His hot mouth is on your neck instantly, painting your skin with needy kisses.
"Can I take this off of you?" He mumbles while he pulls at the fabric of your dress.
You can't help but giggle at his enthusiasm.
"Gettin' right into it, huh?" You say.
He brings his hand up so he can hold your face and run his thumb across your cheek bone. His eyes are soft but determined as he studies your face.
"I don't wanna waste any more time." He says simply, the phrase is loaded with months of longing. His confession dazzles you, leaving you laying there with no idea how to breathe. All you can do is nod in understanding and revel in the feeling of his wet kisses against your neck again. He gently hikes your dress up to your waist, then quickly brings his hands back down so he can run them up your thighs. His hands settle on your hips, thumbs pressing on the bones so he can pin you down slightly as he rolls his hips against your center.
Your hands instinctively claw at his broad back as a hiss leaves your lips.
"Let me get on top." You sigh, completely shocking yourself with your boldness.
You feel him smile against your collar bone before his hands glide up to hold your waist. He flips you both over with ease, granting you your wish without argument. You catch your breath as you settle on his lap, hands splayed across his chest.
"I'm all yours, doll." His eyes fall down your body sinfully, making your chest seize up and your legs squeeze around him.
You lean down to capture his lips in yours again, sighing contentedly when he moves against you like he did when you kissed for the first time on the roof.
"I missed you." You mutter against his mouth.
"Let's make up for that, yeah?" He replies quickly as he moves to pull your dress over your head. You lift your arms and let him undress you as you sit back. Soon the dress is out of the way and his warm hands are holding your waist again, thumbs brushing up and down against your skin. You become suddenly ashamed of your lackluster underwear and you feel your cheeks heat up as you watch James' eyes skate down your figure. As if he senses you unease, he sits up and snakes his arms around your waist. He presses a delicate kiss into the swell of each of your breasts as you card your fingers through his hair.
"You're so perfect." He whispers against your skin.
"Can I take this off?" He asks, bringing his thumbs up to hook his fingers around your bra straps.
Somehow, everything about this feels even more innocent than the first time you two made love. Maybe it's the knowledge that you don't have to show off, talk dirty, or have all the hot moves in order to impress each other. You're both just enchanted by the presence of one another. Finally, you're both able to just be together. There's no fear of what people will say about you in school tomorrow, no terrifying rumor hanging over your head. Just you and James, able to lose yourselves completely in this wonderful moment you've found.
You carefully undress each other, leaving tender kisses on any newly exposed skin, whispering sweet nothings as well as declarations of devotion. You cherish every second that passes as you explore each other's bodies again. Soon you're both fully exposed to each other, your hands grasp desperately at his shoulder as soon as you feel his erect length graze your core. You think back to how his lips felt between your legs, and you immediately want to repay the favor. You slink down his body until you settle between his legs. His abs tense as you slide your palms up his muscular thighs.
You know Bucky is big, especially after last time, but being face to face with his dick makes you realize his size is genuinely intimidating. He looks beautiful like this, all flushed and hard. His tip is a pretty shade of dark pink, similar to his lips, and there's a small bead of precum leaking out of his slit. The sight makes you clench your thighs and lick your lips.
"See somethin' you like?" He teases.
"I sure do." You flirt back, wasting no time in wrapping your hand around his length to give him one slow pump. He throws his head back with as you bring your lips to his tip and give it a chaste kiss.
"Tell me if I do something wrong, please." You say, the tremble in your voice revealing just how nervous you really are.
James shoots up instantly, grabbing the wrist of the hand that's around his dick while the other comes up to cup your face. His thumb slides across your cheek bone affectionately as he stares at you with his kind blue eyes.
"Doll, if you're not ready for that, don't do it." His voice is like rich hot chocolate, spreading through your body and warming every nerve.
"But, last time you- I figure I owed you…" It makes sense in your head, but by the look he gives you it doesn't make any sense to him.
"Baby," He breathes out, leaning in to kiss your forehead, "Come here."
With gentle hands he pulls you into his lap so you can straddle him while he takes your face in his hands, gazing up at you with intensity.
"Anything I do for you, is because I want to. You don't owe me a damn thing. If you're ever not ready for something you tell me, and we can talk about it, ok?" His voice has a hint of urgency to it, like he can't stress the words enough.
You nod silently as you try to understand the man beneath you. Your brain desperately claws through your vocabulary to find the words to best describe the beautiful human being you've fallen for. All you can come up with is something terribly insufficient, but incredibly accurate. He's kind. He's a "heart if gold" kind of guy. Under the charm, the handsome face, the quick witted humor, James Barnes is the kindest person you've ever met.
Your lips are on his before he can say anything else, following that involuntary reaction you've developed whenever you're around him. He kisses you back as fiercely as you kiss him, heavy breaths falling from his mouth as you work against one another. You can't help but whimper when you feel the hot skin of his dick slide along your drenched core.
"Make love to me, James, please-" You beg against his lips.
All he can manage is a moan against your mouth as he reaches down between you to grab himself so he can get lined up at your entrance. He opens his mouth to say something, but it's stolen from him as you inch down to slide the tip in. A beautiful, lustful sigh leaves his puffy lips as you do. It's still a harsh stretch for your walls, but this time you can anticipate it and welcome it. Slowly, you descend until he's in you completely. As soon as he's bottomed out you lean your forehead on his shoulder and let out a pitiful whine.
"You ok, doll?" He asks, nudging his nose against your jaw.
"I'm good, you're just so big…" You sigh. His grip on your waist tightens and you feel him twitch inside you.
"Careful sweetheart, don't want this ego getting any bigger." He teases, earning an airy giggle from you.
You brace yourself by holding his shoulders, rolling your hips tentatively. He kisses your neck when you do so and slides his arms around your waist, so you must be doing something right. You mimic the movement with a little more confidence this time. You can't help but bring your head up and send James a nervous glance, and he's more than willing to reassure you.
"That's good baby, that feels good." He says with a voice like honey as he skates his lips across your neck.
His praising words make your insides melt, spurring you on as you keep rolling against him. The way the soft skin of his dick moves against your soaked walls in euphoric. Your hands cling to each other, lips kiss where the can, short breaths fall from your mouth. All of it creates a truly beautiful atmosphere. It's nothing like the urgent, frantic mood you had last time. This doesn't feel like two teenagers who can't wait to see somebody naked for the first time. This feels like two people who want to be uncovered by each other.
His hands slide so he can spread his palms across your damp back and you shiver from the feather soft intimacy of the motion. Your forehead falls against his and your eyes lock.
"You're incredible." You sigh as brilliant sparks of pleasure start to build in your core.
You slowly build the pace of your hips until you're rocking against him with a rhythm that makes his nails claw at your back as he groans and pants. He's so deep inside you, reaching and rubbing against every sweet spot you have.
"Fuck- that's perfect doll- so fucking perfect." His voice has climbed in pitch slightly, he sounds almost whiney.
Your head falls to his shoulder, you shove your mouth against his collarbone in an attempt to muffle a pitiful sob as it shakes your abdomen. The feelings are all so fucking intense, your eyes screw shut as your walls start to flutter. Your chest aches as your head spins, completely incapable of comprehending all of the sensations drowning you in this moment.
"James- James I'm gonna-" Your words are cut off completely as one of his strong arms easily cradles you so he can flip you onto your back. You hit the mattress and he doesn't give you a single second to catch your breath before he's rocking his hips against yours.
"Fucking hell." You huff out as he plants his hands on either side of your head so he can bare down even more when he thrusts.
"I wanna see you, wanna see that pretty face." Both of you moan uncontrollably when you spread your legs even more to give him better access. Soon he's hitting some rapturous spot deep within you, setting off every nerve in your body.
Tears gather in your eyes and it takes every ounce of self control you have to not succumb to the desire to start crying beneath him. His body is moving so beautifully above you, every muscle working to give you everything he has. Your eyes burn with the tears you refuse to let fall as you pull your bottom lip into your mouth to keep another sob caged inside you.
"Baby, don't hide anything." He says with a broken voice as he drops to his elbows so he can bring his face closer to your own.
"Cry if you need to, I got you." He punctuates his sentence with a stunning moan, and it absolutely breaks you. Your body trembles as you finally release all the emotion you've been suppressing. Your back arches and you finally let the tears cascade down the sides of your face. The sight of you falling apart beneath him, so fragile and overstimulated, it motivates him even more. His pace increases as he chants nonsense phrases of adoration to you.
He tells you how beautiful you are, how tight you feel, how good you are for him. All while your entire body quakes for him and his magnificent pace. You don't want to say his thrusts are hard, that word seems so utterly insufficient for how he's making love to you right now. His movements are committed, he fills you up with every push in and leaves you wanting so much more every time he draws back out.
"Baby you feel so good- fuck- please don't stop." You beg him as your cunt starts to pulse around him again, body edging towards that blinding release.
"No fuckin' way, I'm never gonna stop." He pants while his thick eyebrows push towards each other as his face crumples into a look of intense focus.
He braces himself on one arm so he can snake a skilled hand between your bodies, thumb finding your swollen clit almost immediately. It hits you immediately, almost before he even touches your sensitive bud. Your body anticipates his touch and sends itself over the edge, and my God it's fucking brilliant. Your pussy grips onto his cock as it slides in and out, your hands claw at his hot skin as his name falls from your lips. You sing him a pitiful song, made of incoherent swearing and plenty of crying.
"That's it sweet girl, give it to me- shit you're squeezin' the life outta me." You barely retain the words as he spits them out between frantic breaths as he chases his own high.
In one fluent motion, James flips your legs over each of his shoulders. He grabs the meat of your hips and lifts your pelvis off the bed as he brings his torso upright so he can settle back on his knees. If you thought you were crying before, you were fucking wrong. You scream out as tears flood your face, you can't tell if you're hurtling into another orgasm before your first has even finished, or if it's all just one long, mind numbing climax. Regardless, it's too good to be true. Every inch of you tingles and clenches as James snaps his hips into you, the angle sends fluorescent jolts of pleasure into your cunt and up your abs.
"Yeah doll, keep cumming for me, you feel so fuckin' perfect." He tosses his head back as he nearly shouts your name.
Your body starts to cool down just enough to provide some clarity. You're still twitching and tears are still rolling, but you at least have the wits to throw some praises at him. It's the least you can do when he's working so hard to make you fall apart.
"Fuck James, you made me cum so hard." Your words have an affect on him instantly, his fingertips bite at your flesh as hips tense and you feel his cock twitch inside you.
"You make me feel so good baby, you drive me fuckin' crazy." He lets go of your hips and throws your legs apart so he can fall on top of you again. He presses his forehead against yours before his lips meet your own so he can kiss you like it's the last time he'll ever have the chance.
"Let me feel you cum James- fuck- do it inside me, I want you to cum inside me." Your hands are at the sides of his face, thumbs rubbing his temples affectionately as you lose your mind.
"Oh baby- shit doll- I'm gonna- oh my God- Fuck!" With that final exclamation he buries himself inside you, enchanting moans fall from his full lips as he tenses and fills you. You hold still and focus on the feeling of his cock pulsing inside you as he moans above you. His sounds are so full of relief and what must be exhaustion. Your eyes flutter open to observe him while he finishes. His eyebrows are high with his eyes shut and his lips parted as he tries to catch his breath while his orgasm fizzles out. His eyelids slowly peel apart and soon you're both watching each other. You're completely enthralled by the work of art above you, and he is entirely captured by the muse below him.
Slowly, like he doesn't want to ever leave, he inches his softening length out of you. You hate the feeling of him leaving your body, you hate how empty you feel. He presses a fond kiss to your forehead while he smooths some of your sweaty hair down.
"Don't move." He whispers. Then he's off of the bed and through his bedroom door, you assume to find something to get you both cleaned up.
Your body is still buzzing from every moment you've just shared with him, you gingerly roll to your side and pull the sheets up against your naked form. You pay little mind the mess spilling from your core, ignorant to the possible consequences it might have. You glance around his room, taking note of all the baseball cards, the toy cars, and the dirty sneakers. The room is bathed in the dull yellow streetlights, giving it a glow that seems otherworldly. It all does. Especially James.
He reappears with a washcloth and a glass of water. The sight makes your heart swell immeasurably, he's still naked but it doesn't strike you as anything to be bashful about. It's all of him, all of James and his unmatched beauty. It feels natural to be this exposed with each other, it feels right.
"Such a gentleman." You tease as he walks towards the bed so he can sit on the edge.
"For you? Of course." His smile is as dazzling as always while he hands you the glass of water. You prop yourself up on your elbows so you can take the glass and sip it slowly. Thankful for the relief the cold liquid brings your exhausted throat.
"Spread those gorgeous legs." He says as he takes the glass back from you so he can set it on the nightstand.
"Round two already?" You joke.
His laugh is full and rich, it spreads through your veins and makes adoration bubble in your chest.
"Not yet, doll." He presses the cloth between your folds to clean up his mess, the sensation makes you jump a little, but he's done as quickly as he's started. The cloth joins a pile of dirty clothes in the corner after he tosses over his shoulder, then he's climbing back into bed with you. He opens his arms once he's on his back beside you. Naturally, you settle into his side and lay your head on his chest. His fingers trace along your spine as he kisses the crown of your head.
"You're a beautiful little thing." He mumbles, voice heavy with a sleepy tone.
"You're perfect, just perfect." It almost sounds like he's talking in his sleep, so you glance up to check.
He's wide awake, glacial eyes piercing your own as he gazes down at you.
"Thank you, for all of this." You say. By all of it, you mean for the love, for the spark of life, for the precious bond you've found. Somehow without saying all of it, you know he knows exactly what you mean.
"Thank you for loving an idiot like me." He says softly.
"It couldn't be anybody else." You say, completely resolute in your admittance.
You lay there like that for God knows how long, just drinking each other in. Mumbling words of praise, astounded by each other's existence. You exchange sweet little jokes, press priceless kisses into every inch of skin you can reach, and make beautiful promises.
"James?" You say as you draw figure eights on his chest with your finger tip.
"What happens next?" You question.
He takes a deep breath in as he twirls your hair between his fingers.
"Well-" He's cut off by the sound of the front door opening. You both bolt upright off the bed, clinging to the sheets. The sounds of lovely, soft laughter fills the house. One is the laugh of a woman, full and warm, the other is bright and twinkly, obviously belonging to a younger girl.
"Shit." You whisper simultaneously as you glance at each other with pounding hearts.
"James?" The woman's voice calls.
"Yeah ma?" James hollers back, hand coming to hold yours as he tries to keep his mouth straight, obviously entertained by the misfortune of the situation.
"Whose truck is that out front?" She asks, then footsteps start to echo as she climbs the stairs.
"Oh my God." You whisper.
"I guess you're meeting my mom, that's what happens next." He says quietly. Your eyes are on his immediately, every reasonable part of you says to panic, but the look on James' face is absolutely priceless. His cheeks are pink as he pulls his lips over his teeth to keep from busting out in laughter. It's ok though, you do it for him. Soon you're both doubling over with laughter, embracing the inevitable awkward encounter that you're about to have with his poor mother. It'll be ok, it'll be wonderful, anything will as long as you two stick together.
Taglist:
@b-o-n-e-daddy @lillsrecs @all-art-is-quite-useless @brownlee-22 @peace-love-hobbitness @pinknerdpanda @supernaturalwintersoldier @can-i-sin-right-now @pennyroyalcreep @jessyballet @calwitch @aurora-sweet @learisa
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fuckingrealityshifting · 4 years ago
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1// hi there, before you get too far, I want to say that I am trying to say this with all the kindness in my heart, and that I do, truly care for yall, and this is why im typing this now. I stumbled across your blog via your 'shifting terms' post, and I explored the idea of shifting and the shiftblr community a bit. I read all of your sources (although I don’t really believe most of them are credible enough) ((it could just be the uni student in me tho)) and I can't help but worry for you and
2// the shifting community. As I understand, most of you are still quite young, and while I haven’t tried to shift (I have a deep paranoia of developing a psychotic disorder), I fear that this practice could affect the young minds in this community in an unprecedented way. I am /not/ saying that any of you are delusional, im not saying its fake, im not saying i dont believe you. But many of you have mentioned how shifting is a) not dangerous and b) similar to astral projecting.
3// This is where I begin to worry, in my understanding, astral projecting is VERY dangerous, so if what you are doing is similar i dont believe it is a good idea. Especially for young people. Adolescent brains are very prone to mental illness, and I fear by placing yourselves in this situation you could eventually damage your mind. I dont mean to preach or anything, i just know a lot of you are young and i think you should be aware of the dangers of what you are doing,
4// because it could affect you in the long run. But stay safe, watch over each other and i wish yall the best. (ps. im sorry this was long)
/////end of ask
Okay so I just wanted to first say it would be okay if you didn’t believe or thought I was mentally ill and stated such! An ask like this is useful because it can start an actual conversation; I have concerns besides just disbelief to go off. Astral projection, being young, etc. I thank you for that and for leaving asks.
I don’t want people to think it’s not okay to be open about not believing. I know with the whole rating stuff rather than responding to comments it might seem like that, but I’m just going to brush off what doesn’t have a purpose other than bringing people down because there’s no point in repeating myself.
If it’s clearly meant to be sarcastic or has a punchline or comment for the sake of being rude or feeling like you’re superior (“get a hobby”) then I’m just not gonna humor you. I’m not intending to shut down all concerns at all.
About the sources��yeah, I do agree, a lot of the sources aren’t very credible, I totally acknowledge that. I also acknowledge even if they were all done by very credible sources the findings wouldn’t be absolutely decisive.
That’s kind of the fault of a lack of experimentation in scientific/professional spaces regarding anything spiritual and just the nature of spirituality itself. At the end of the day it’s mainly the suggestion of the findings that are important to spiritual people looking for evidence. I’m not sure if I worded that all coherently lol
I’m gonna answer these two points in reverse
Shifting is b.) similar to astral projection
So when I say similar to astral projection, I mean mainly in the fact you are perceiving stuff outside of your body and projecting. It’s a similar concept, and a bit of a similar practice, but not entirely.
With shifting, you are projecting your consciousness, and with astral projection, you are projecting your astral self/soul.
(I haven’t researched as much into the specifics of astral projection as I have for shifting so feel free to correct me! My understanding of astral projection is that your soul/astral self projects from your body to wander the astral realm.)
I’m gonna copy and paste some stuff I said in a dm message to someone who had a similar concern.
When a person shifts, their soul remains in their body. Your consciousness/awareness of reality is what is in another universe. When a person asteral projects, their soul leaves their body and can travel different realms of the universe.
When a person astral projects, they can come across spirits, deities, and harmful entities. They can take damage to the soul. They can change their astral form. Astral projection is dangerous. It is highly recommended not to astral project without protection.
When a person shifts, they are in a normal reality and do not need protection. Protection doesn’t hurt, as it doesn’t hurt to have protection in this reality, but its not necessary. (Precautions should always be taken.)
If they die in their desired reality, their soul is fine so they just come back. There is no danger of death. Your consciousness or alternate self (“clone”) can also go about your day while you are shifted which I have never heard about for astral projection.
The differences between your spirit projecting outside of your body and your consciousness projecting into another reality is why shifting is generally regarded as safer and as needing less precaution.
shifting is a. not dangerous
Well, not inherently. But like most anything it can be used dangerously. Some of the precautions that should be taken are:
•educating yourself properly before shifting
•grounding yourself (an ungrounded shifter can have issues)
•making sure you are not depending on shifting for anything or using it as unhealthy escapism
•understanding spirituality concepts even if you’re not practicing
I have a Staying Safe While Shifting post that has been in my drafts forever because I want to finish my mental health series to link it in the post, but I’ve been procrastinating finishing the mental health series because of the ADHD and shifting topic, which I believe I have.
We do have a majority of young people on the community—middle to older teens, I think. Most adults interested in this sort of thing participate under Quantum Jumping, a term that’s been around longer, which seems more online forum based.
Overall, yes. Shifting when exposed to the wrong people can absolutely harm mental health. I think we’re seeing it on TikTok. I just don’t have the power to make sure only people who can mentally take it see it. I just have to do my best to educate people on how reality shifting works so delusions or misunderstandings are hopefully easier to spot.
I absolutely thank you for the thoughtful message and if I brought up more concerns let me know.
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